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Sex always helps.

Jack is always there and willing to be my “sex therapist.” I went out with my moms club ladies for a night out without kids or husbands. I had three drinks, lots of tasty/nasty bar food, and lots of great conversations. It kind of felt like a milestone because I realized as I drove home that I never once felt out of place or had to think about what to say next.

So, when I got home Jack was there looking like he was mad at me. He wouldn’t say why at first. Then he pointed to a stain on the couch. I had left an almost empty can of pop on the end table and Lex got a hold of it and spilled it all over the couch.

I had to make it up to Jack. I mean, he had to spend literally 3 minutes cleaning it up. So I just got on my knees in front of his chair and told him to drop his pants. Yes, dear readers, I still have it in me.

I sucked his cock until he was about to burst. I told him we couldn’t waste it so he bent me over the arm of the chair and fucked me.

It was like old times. Finally…..

Best news of all (to us anyway) I’m ovulating sometime today according to my ovulation predictor tests and my BBT shift (I’ll let you figure out what that is).

Let the fuck fest begin.

Some help.

When people have “breakdowns” others often advise them to “get some help.” I’m about to get some help. Lex is the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, I haven’t been truly happy since before he was born. Chalk it up to sleep deprivation in the beginning. Then lack of sex drive. Then just general disappointment for where I have arrived in my life.

I even had a brief freakout when I found out I was pregnant with Lex. Since it was a complete surprise I actually had to process emotions dealing with being forced to become a mother. Even though it was something I had always wanted to happen.

I am going to see my new psychiatrist in an hour. I suspect she will have me start therapy also. We’ll see. I’ve been on antidepressants since I was 18. I’ve been on the same antidepressant since age 22. It’s not working anymore.

This blog has turned into my whine-fest. Let’s hope I can turn things around soon. Sorry for all the crappy posts.

Nowhere else.

I have nowhere else to vent my loneliness and sadness. Lex and I were supposed to go to a pumpkin patch with my moms club today. They canceled it because it rained all day yesterday and it will be too muddy. Today is a beautiful sunny day, and I’m stuck at home with nothing to do with Lex. It is too muddy to play in the yard, too muddy for the playground, we already went to the mall indoor play area yesterday. Now what? I just wish I had a friend in the same situation as me who I could call to hang out. I don’t know how to make these sorts of friends either. I feel like I am in junior high and still haven’t figured out how to make friends. All I wanted to do was call one of the other ladies in the moms club to see if they wanted to go out for lunch or have a playdate, but I am new to the group. I don’t know if it is acceptable to ask for something like that. I really hate trying to make friends with women.

Life was so much easier when all I thought about was sex and men. That’s what came naturally to me. This stay at home mom crap isn’t easy for me. I wouldn’t choose any other way though because it’s what is best for Lex. Plus, it’s not financially worth it to pay for daycare just so I can have a full time job.

I just feel sorry for myself. I’m coming off the 5th day of my fertility drug so I’m just as emotionally unstable as pregnant women. I think I’m going to go have myself a good cry while Lex naps.

Thanks for letting me type here, wordpress.

Glorious.

Ah, the weather here has been glorious. Maybe a little too warm, but it’s been so nice to be able to play outside with Lex. Yesterday we walked to the local diner for breakfast and then went to the playground. Today we spent some time outside in the yard. The leaves are very vibrant here. More than usual. I guess the conditions have just been perfect.

I’m still very depressed about the news I got last week. I’m still waiting for actual confirmation that I’m not pregnant this month. I’m pretty sure I am not because I keep getting negative pregnancy tests and my basal body temp has fallen the past two days (a huge indicator that an unwanted visitor approaches).

You would think that I would have developed advanced patience since I have a very active toddler. Well, no I haven’t. I’m still very impatient and want things to happen like yesterday!

I’m giving a recital on Saturday with a new group my friends and I put together. Since Lex was born I’ve been doing the minimum amount of performance in order to keep my career alive, but now I’m starting to put things together to make it advance. I’m really excited about this project, but I’m not getting my hopes up. Playing in a group like this is like participating in a 4 way marriage. It isn’t easy, and the failure rate is probably 99 out of 100 or even higher. This isn’t the first time I’ve had a group that I thought had the potential to be a permanent one. And, I’m sure it won’t be the last. I used my “luck” finding my husband. Jack is definitely the catch of a lifetime for me so I don’t expect to find the perfect musical group, too.

I’m working very hard to keep my mood positive. I refuse to let infertility diminish my quality of life. This could be permanent and I don’t want to live the rest of my “youth” sad and worried. I don’t want to wake up at age 45 a bitter old woman of a teenager who never got what she wanted out of life. It’s easier said than done, but I guess I’ll just fake it until I make it. :)

Crashing down.

And then things came crashing down. We’ve been trying to conceive baby #2 since January. My regular ob/gyn put me on clomid, but after trying that for 3 months she’s sending me off to a different doctor because she can no longer help me. She referred me to another doctor in the same practice as her, but I have to wait two whole months to even see this doctor for an initial appointment.

When I got the news I was devastated. It was the first time I let myself cry over not getting pregnant. I just sobbed like I’ve never sobbed before. Lex was there for the whole thing. I didn’t have the presence of mind to go to a different room. He got this really concerned look on his face and reached his arms out to me. I didn’t quite know what to do so I picked him up. We sat down on the floor and I just cried while he wrapped his little arms around my neck and squeezed. He was crying, too, but not out loud like me…..he just had silent tears. It’s like he could feel my sadness. He’s such a sweetheart and I’ll never forget that amazing moment we shared. I love him so much. I just kept repeating, “you’re enough, you’re enough.” I guess I didn’t want him to start to think that I needed another baby because he wasn’t enough.

I’m still fighting back tears. Part of why I’m so upset is that I feel guilty for even being sad about this. I already have a perfect little boy. A lot of women never get to have their own child. We didn’t even have to try to get pregnant with Lex. That should be enough for me.

We’re going to stop trying for now. I’ll keep my appointment in two months, but I need to make the decision to stop actively trying because that’s the only way I can keep my sanity. This is one thing I can control.

So, this weekend I’m out of town for work and you better believe I’ll be drinking! :)

Changes.

I’m so enjoying the change of the seasons. I hate summer. I hate summer weather. I hate summer finances. I hate summer boredom. Once fall comes the weather is more tolerable, and I can hang outside with Lex. The orchestra season starts in the fall, which means more money and more time with my friends.

I’m part of a moms club. It’s just me and a bunch of rich stay at home moms. I didn’t fit in very well until they found out about my career then suddenly I was fascinating to them. I’m not always the best at making friends with women, but that’s getting better. It’s important for Lex to have other kids to play with. He’s so cute with the other kids. He gave another little boy a hug the other day at a play date. They were both playing with a toy piano and Lex just turned to the other boy and gave him a hug. I almost started crying it was so cute.

I still don’t have very much to write about here. I will keep writing, though. I have a lot of violin practicing to do today, and I can’t practice when Lex is taking a nap. He likes to watch me practice so much that he will wake up out of a nap screaming if I try to practice while he’s asleep. He’s fascinated by the violin. It’s cute to see him sit down on the floor with his baby doll (yes I bought my boy a pink baby doll) and watch me play.

I hope he wakes up soon so I can get to work.

Waiting and Being a Parent.

I sometimes feel like I have spent my whole life waiting for one thing or another. When I was a kid I was waiting to be old enough to drive and get a job. Then I was waiting to turn 18, then 21. Then I was waiting to marry Jack. Then I was waiting to move away from my home town and go to graduate school. Then I was waiting to graduate and find a real job (that never did happen…lol). Then I was waiting for Lex to be born. Then I was waiting for him to get through all the different developmental milestones. Now I’m waiting to get pregnant again. There are other smaller things I wait for….like the extra money to justify buying a new purse.

Does anyone else think this is a weird way to organize my life? Why can’t I just enjoy things the way they are right now instead of longing for something else? I should also say, though, that a certain amount of optimistic looking forward is good. However, I wish I could do less of that and more of enjoying right now.

Lex does help me live in the moment more than anything in my life. I used to see having kids as a very selfLESS thing to do. I now think that it should be considered the most selfISH thing I can do. If you really stop to think about the grand scheme of things you will see that the world doesn’t really need more people. I’m not helping to further the human race by procreating. The world would go on as it always has even if I never had Lex.

This may anger people, but I’m going to say it anyway. Having children is narcissism at it’s most simple form. You are creating a person that will be the combination of you and your favorite person (your spouse or significant other).

If you really want to meet parents who are selfLESS then talk to the parents of adopted kids.

It really bothers me when I see the way people expect the world to cater to them because they have children. It was a choice to become a parent. It shouldn’t be viewed as a burden. I don’t expect people to make special concessions for me just because I’m carrying a toddler.

Here is an example: I’m walking towards the door with Lex in the stroller at the mall and a woman jogs ahead of me to open the doors for me. I HATE THIS!!! First of all, I wouldn’t have come to the mall if I wasn’t perfectly capable of opening doors and navigating my way through the building. What ends up happening is I feel totally conspicuous and selfish letting her hold the door open for me. People who know nothing about kids or strollers are often the worst when this happens. It really is just easier if I open the doors myself. It’s not difficult! I’ve been doing it for 18 months now. When people stop to open doors for me they are more likely to touch Lex. They are more likely to slow me down and try to talk to me. They are more likely to cough on us or something nasty like that. I say just STAY AWAY FROM ME!! Having a baby doesn’t make me handicapped. I don’t need your help.

Ok, rant over. Sorry folks….people just make me angry sometimes. I guess ranting to the handful of people who will read this really won’t change the world or anything. But it will make me feel better!

Penn Jillette.

Penn Jillette is my new hero. He’s half of the duo Penn & Teller. I’m reading his new book, “God, No!” I’ve been an atheist for a few years now. I have no interest in participating in religion because I view it as an elaborate fairy tale.

I highly recommend the book. Even for those of you who are members of a religion.

Ok, so I’m not actually reading the book, but rather listening to it on Audible through my smart phone. As I was driving to work today (1.5 hours each way) I was listening and enjoying the countryside. The way he talks is the way I used to before we stopped participating in the lifestyle. He’s perfectly comfortable with what he refers to as “freaks.” While I’ve never experienced the level of “freaks” he has, I have known some pretty crazy people. Crazy in the extreme fun kind of way, not the mental illness way.

His whole attitude and take on life made me start to feel horny. I’ve not experienced this in quite some time. To be turned on by ideas. He wasn’t talking about sex at the time, although he does mention fucking quite often. It was just the way he relates to the people and places around him.

I was kind of a fan before. We watched his show Bullshit! on Showtime, and have seen Penn & Teller appearances on TV in various places. Now I’m a huge fan!

Jack’s working late tonight, and I’m home alone (not quite alone – Lex is sleeping peacefully). Perfect time to masturbate myself crazy. :) Then Jack can finish me off when he gets home.

Trying.

Last night was the first night in my supposed fertile window for this month. We have fertility problems….well, I have fertility problems. I have a condition that prevents me from ovulating on a regular basis. That’s why we were so completely surprised when we found I was pregnant with Lex in 2009. This is the third month of trying fertility drugs. We are at the highest dose of this particular medicine, and I won’t even find out if it was possible to ovulate until the 21st of the month. That means we need to have sex every other day for about a week just to make sure we catch the egg if it actually drops.

Since I’ve been having libido problems having sex every other day is a lot for us. I actually really hate to admit that, and hopefully just fucking a lot will activate my brain to think about sex like a horny teenager again.

So, last night was our first go around for this month. I went and bought a lube called pre-seed (crappy name!) that is supposed to support fertility….basically it doesn’t kill sperm like normal lube. We ended up not even needing it last night because Jack is just awesome. :) He went down on me until I came and we definitely didn’t need any help making me wet. My lady parts do work still… I just don’t “activate” them as much anymore.

This whole business of trying to get knocked up is annoying. I have to wake up at 5am to take my temperature. I have to pee in a cup every day to take at home ovulation tests. I have to take pills that make me kind of crazy and get hot flashes. I wish it just took having sex, but it’s not that easy for us. I just keep reminding myself that I’m already a mother, and Lex is all I really need, but we would like him to have a sibling. If it doesn’t happen I won’t be crushed, and I’m actually sure of that. I’ll be sad for a while I’m sure, but it won’t “ruin my life.”

Lex is sleeping right now. I think I tired him out this morning at the playground. He will be 18 months old on Sunday. I still have moments where I see him as a baby, but he’s definitely a little boy now. Sometimes I still can’t believe he’s mine. :)

Bored.

I actually don’t have anything to say. I am trying to keep up writing here so here is a nothing post. My writing teacher always told me to just start writing even if I have nothing to say. I usually just type because I feel like typing.

Over the past year I decided to give up on finishing my dissertation. I can always go back and finish it some other time. I just got too busy with my son. I started to care very little about gaining the title of Dr. I think I figured out the meaning of life! It’s 42, no just kidding.

I need to come up with a name for my son here on the blog. He has an uncommon name so I most certainly can’t use it here. Ok, my son’s name is now Lex for purposes of this blog.

So, Lex is pretty much the best thing that ever happened to me. He is like me in that he likes to sleep, and enjoys trying new foods. He is like Jack in that he is a very patient boy. He’s a good kid over all, but he does like to play with the TV and gets punished whenever he touches it. He has started “testing” me. He walks up to the TV, looks at me, smiles and then touches it even though I’ve said no. It’s hard not to laugh when he does that. I have to be a parent, but it’s sooooo funny!

I am looking forward to having baby #2 as soon as possible because then I feel like our family will be complete, and I can get back to being the slutty mommy I was always meant to be! :)

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