Couldn’t sleep

Last night I just couldn’t sleep. Damn. I couldn’t stop thinking about sex. I think I’m in need of a new friend. This time a man. H has been suggesting it lately. I was feeling pretty satisfied with our friend G, but after last night I think I need a new cock in my life. Any willing participants?

Come get me

Ok, I’m horny. I need sex. But I have nobody to help me out tonight. I’m in one of those moods where the vibrator and hand just won’t satisfy me. I need a cock and I need it now. Damn husband being sick! He’s not allowed to get sick!! I’m pouting.

yuck

I feel like crap. No, I don’t have a cold or anything like that. I just feel like I can’t do anything. I’m stuck inside my head and I can’t get out. I feel like I live in a different world than the rest of humanity. I need a vacation!!!!!!!!!!

I’m not doing well. I had a panic attack today. From the outside there is no reason for me to have a difficult life. I have everything I need. But for some reason I feel like a complete and utter failure. I can usually keep things together, but right now I just feel like letting go and seeing what happens.

I need a job!!!!! Anyone out there on a hiring committee at a university?

Creep!

I’m in a coffee shop doing some work on my computer and I just had to write about this creepy guy sitting near me. He’s facing me and doing something on his computer. He looks creepy, but that’s not the worst of it. He keeps whispering things. I can’t quite understand what he’s saying, but he’s sitting alone, and I have no idea who he’s talking to. I think I have to leave. He’s distracting me and creeping me out!!!!!

Monday night

G came over on Monday night at about 10 just to hang out. We watched a silly movie on digital cable, Ali G in Da House. She ended up staying the night and we all had a fun time. The best part was Tuesday morning though. I had ended up sleeping in the spare room because I had to get up several hours before H or G. When my alram went off H came in the the spare room and laid down next to me. He said he’d missed sleeping next to me. It was soooo sweet. We ended up having sex and it was so amazingly good! Sex is always best when it’s unexpected like that. Perfect morning!!!

Proposal Submitted!

I officially submitted my formal topic proposal to my dissertation committee on Sunday. Basically I have the outline of my project finished and waiting for approval before the specific research can begin. So I’m in a bit of a holding pattern. Makes procrastination that much easier. DAMN!

Ok, I promise to write a sexy post soon!!!

Honesty in marriage

I was commenting on a friend’s blog about this topic and decided to just turn it into a post myself. The question at hand is the sharing of email passwords between spouses. I had commented that I will never share my laptop password with my husband simply because it’s mine. Sounds selfish, but I sincerely feel this way. I have been married for coming up on 6 years (July 16). One thing I have realized is that I cannot share absolutely EVERY DETAIL of my life with my husband. I would feel suffocated to the point of being unhappy. I think one of the problems with the state of marriage today is that people have unrealistic expectations of what marriage actually is. I think it would be terribly unhealthy to not have anything personal or private in a relationship.

When I think about how my parents live I feel ill. Neither of them have anything that is theirs alone. That depresses me. My parents’ marriage is what I would consider typical, but they are far from happy. My mother is a cynical, bitter bitch; she seems to take pleasure in making my father miserable. In my opinion, if they each had a space in the house or in their lives in general that was theirs and theirs alone they might be happier.

I think the whole concept of marriage is changing. Or maybe it just did for me. My husband and I each have our own seperate areas in the house. It’s not like he’s not welcome in my studio, or I’m not welcome in the living room. It’s just arbitrary boundaries that make us feel like autonomous human beings, not just a husband and wife. When I die I don’t just want to be known as the wife of H. I want to me known for what I accomplished, both in my personal relationships and in my career.

Every Sunday our local paper publishes a section showcasing wedding/engagement/anniversary/birthday/achievement announcements. I love looking at the anniversary photos of older couples when they include their wedding photos and their current photos. It’s interesting to see how people age, and how their personality is easy to read when you have the two photos to compare. I often wonder if they’ve had happy lives. Not just happy marriages, but were they still the same person they were when they walked down the aisle? Are they happy with the live they’ve lived? When I’m celebrating my 50th anniversary I hope I can say that I am a better version of the 22 year old bride, and that I’ve lived a fulfilling life AND had a fulfilling marriage.

What do you think?

Old Friends

I have very few old friends. I am not good at being long distance friends. One of my friends from undergrad, actually my best friend from undergrad, called me out of the blue on Sunday, leaving a message. The message was just a generic, “Hello it’s me, give me a call sometime.” I haven’t spoken to this friend (I’ll call her A) since maybe October. We used to be very close, and usually talked on the phone for about an hour every day. But she got really needy and started calling me like 6 times a day and freaking out about stupid stuff.

She was living by herself in a new city and teaching at a junior high. First of all nobody but robots should even risk teaching at a junior high. Those kids will eat your soul. She was still dating the guy she had started dating our last year in college. By this time I was in my first year of graduate school, and she had just graduated and gotten this job. So long story short, they broke up. And got back together. And broke up. And got back to gether. And broke up. Then didn’t get back together, just continued to have sex. Then finally she ended it completely. After that she became a sex fiend. The problem was, she was living in a small town in a very conservative (no, not southern) state. She was so afraid of anyone knowing anything bad about her personal life she

I couldn’t handle the stress anymore so I tried to hint that I needed some space. She never understood the hint, and finally after much thought I decided to tell her that she was calling too much. I just wanted her to call me once a day or every other day, but not several times a day. In the end we stopped talking altogether. I never meant to distance myself as her friend, but that’s what ended up happening.

Last night

Ok so here’s a semi-steamy post for those of you who appreciate those kinds. The last two nights I’ve had to go to bed early because I’m teaching in the mornings at a summer camp. Last night it was 10pm and I needed to get to sleep. So I took an Ambien and decided to masturbate. I hardly ever get to masturbate all alone. I guess this is a good problem to have considering the reason is my husband always joins in and I end up getting licked, fucked, and whatever else I desire. But last night it was just my vibrator and me since H rarely goes to bed before 1am. I love the feeling of release I get when I bring myself to orgasm. Just a private moment with myself. I guess I needed that. I’m going to do it again tonight.

Wasting time

I’m wasting time, not working on my dissertation. I didn’t even go to the library today. I have to teach three lessons tonight.

That’s my official occupation these days. Violin teacher. I love teaching, but only when the damn kids practice. It makes me angry and annoyed when it is obvious that the kid hasn’t practiced. Their parents are paying me to practice with them for 30 minutes. I didn’t go to college for 10 years and get a doctorate in music performance to practice Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star with an 8 year old for 30 minutes. I’m supposed to teach the student new skills, and perfect technique, but if he doesn’t learn the notes I can’t TEACH him anything.

Right now I’m sitting here dreading going to that tiny little room I teach in. If I could get a large enough student base I’d teach at home, but teaching at the local music store is the easiest way to get new students. I’m an independant contractor, which means that I’m not employed by them. I like it that way because I can make my own rules and policies.

So anyway, tonight I have three students coming. I start at 5:30 then end at 8:30. BUT I only have three lessons to teach. How does that work? Oh yeah that’s right, I have two unwanted breaks: one 30 minutes and one 60 minutes. If the lessons were all back to back then I could get out of ther at 6:30 and still have several hours at the library. Unfortunately this is what happens. I’m unlucky that way.

I guess I’ll have to schlepp my research materials to the music store with me. Sorry for whining so much, but I really needed to vent that out.

Someone come spank me I need to get busy and that would be good motivation!