I’m hurt.

My husband hurt my feelings. And I am not sure how to deal with it. We have started to decorate our garage annually for trick-or-treaters on Halloween. Last year was the first time we actually lived in a house in a child-friendly neighborhood. So this year we bought a few more things to put up and we were really excited to see what we could do. Then late last week I found out that a professor at the university had nominated my trio for a very prestigious masterclass. Basically, playing in this masterclass was a huge honor and there was no way I could justify turning it down to stay home and greet trick-or-treaters. Well, my husband got very angry at me. He pretty much felt that I was just blowing him off for something frivolous. Even when I tried to explain it to him be just wouldn’t believe a word I said. So, we get to tonight and we are setting up all the stuff in the garage and I expressed something about how much fun I was having and that I hated to leave before any trick-or-treaters came by. Then he said something to the effect of, “Well, you are the one who decided to abandon me.” In situations like this I usually cannot figure out what to say to him because no matter what I say to defend myself he won’t even listen. He just continues to sulk and act like I’m a horrible person. Ok, it’s not like I chose to just hang out with friends instead of him. I was asked to play for an extremely famous musician, and we ended up getting WONDERFUL feedback from this person. I had one of the best musical experiences of my life tonight and he didn’t even ask me how it went. What should I do now?

It’s my turn.

This weekend it’s my turn to be out of town. It’s for work so I doubt I’ll be having any fun sex. I’m hoping to get a lot of work done in the hotel room. Unfortunately, historically I have a bad record for actually getting stuff done when I’m on a business trip. Maybe this time will be different. I certainly hope so! I have a job application to send off on Thursday so that’s what I’ll be doing after work tonight.

I have taken to writing myself wonderfully motivating notes on the white board in my office. Currently it reads, “Don’t be a loser.” It’s actually working quite well. I’m off to rehearse and then teach. It should be a good non loserish day!

Contrast.

My husband went on a short overnight trip without me last weekend. I had to work so I could not join him. Where did he go? To a meet and greet for an internet group for people who like sex. Before he went we discussed what I would be ok with him doing. I gave him no boundaries because I wanted him to have fun. There was a little twinge of “don’t let him go” but for the most part I was happy to let him. He had a great time and met some interesting people. He spent a lot of time in the hotel pool because he loves to go swimming and I usually don’t want to sit in a swimming pool with him for hours so he took advantage of me not being there. He met a girl in the pool area who he later ended up fucking. He enjoyed it, and I’m glad he got that opportunity. My only misgivings about this whole thing is the type of people involved in the group. This is going to sound a bit snobby, but I prefer to be with educated people. The way he described these people was that they were uneducated people, i.e. factory workers, secretaries, telemarketers. Now, there’s nothing wrong with not spending thousands of dollars on an education like I did, but I have a problem with worrying about how these types of people will view me. I’m very worried about acting snobby around them. I have spent so much of my life studying music that I pretty much don’t have anything else to talk to in social situations. I also HATE the people that think it’s soooooooo hard to play music. The same conversation happens every time: “I could never learn music; it’s really hard.” To which I reply: “Don’t be silly, anyone can learn music.” To all of you out there: musicians do not like to put up on some sort of pedestal. ANYONE can learn to play music and we do not want to sit there and try to convince you of this simply because there is absolutely nothing else to talk about.

Ok, rant over. When my husband got home it was nice to have him back. He smelled funny, but I attributed it to the fact that I didn’t help him pack, therefore he forgot all toiletries and used the hotel soap and shampoo. But what I really enjoyed was the contrast of him being gone for one night and them coming back. I LOVE IT when he goes out of town without me because I love the way it feels when he comes home.

Project Runway.

Ok, I’m now admitting that I love Project Runway. I have watched every episode of every season. I won’t disclose my opinions about the outcome of this year’s show, but I have some commentary to share. The models in the runway shows at Bryant Park SUCKED!!!!!!! The models who were actually on the show all season were fabulous, but the others looked like this was their first modelling job. They were HORRIBLE. Some could barely walk, and none of them really had any rhythm to their walk.

Ok, I’m done.

It didn’t happen.

I was all keyed up for a new encounter last Friday. But it never materialized. I chickened out. I was having too good of a time just hanging out with my husband that we decided to just cancel…..again.

This recent lack of new encounters has got me thinking of quitting altogether. Maybe I’m just in a place right now where subjecting myself to the extreme stress of preparing myself mentally and physically for new sexual encounters is just too much to bear. I say stuff like that to myself, but then I get these thoughts screaming through my head that say, “I just want to get fucked.”

I haven’t figured out a way to diffuse the stress levels in finding and meeting new lovers. I suck at this! I get worried about the little details like making sure everything is cleaned and shaved and ready to go. If I don’t feel meticulously groomed then I will not have fun once the clothes come off. I am told often that men don’t notice things as much as women do, but one thing running through the back of my head is….I don’t want to be the woman guys fuck when they can’t find anyone else. I want to be chosen. I want to be desired for my own qualities, not just for the fact that I am a woman.

This brings me back to my favorite (or least favorite depending on how you look at it) topic. There are so many more men searching for sex partners than women. Why are the men so much more horny than women? I know there must be some sort of physiological reason for the difference in libido. The world would be a better place if men just got laid when they needed to instead of having to search for extra when there isn’t enough at home.

I’m so conflicted about all of this right now. Earlier this week I decided to stop blogging altogether. But I’m back again. I just need more things to write about. Which brings me back to the original topic: I need to fuck someone new. I wish I had the confidence to actually talk to men when I’m out. Maybe then I could just find someone I like and then see what happens instead of meeting guys online that probably just need to be fucked and it doesn’t matter what the girl is like at all.

Are there any experienced swingers out there? I need help!

I’m horny.

I’m really horny today. I had a pretty good day getting work done on my dissertation and now I’m ready for some hot sex. I have been chatting with a local guy who I have talked to about getting together with. He’s a graduate student like me and we have a lot in common although he’s in a completely different field of which I know very little. That makes for some pretty interesting conversation, but I’m often confused by the specifics. Anyway, I’m feeling super nervous about this for some reason. I’m thinking it is because I haven’t had an encounter with a new man for so long. Plus what I still feel a little wary about my ability to reach orgasm. I have cum a few times, but that is either with my vibrator or my husband’s talented tongue, fingers, or cock. I don’t know if another man will be able to get it done. But it doesn’t really matter anyway because that’s not the only reason I like to play with other men. I like the feeling of being used. I also love the way my husband looks at me while I’m being fucked by another man.

10 minutes later:

I just talked to my husband on the phone and now I’m feeling more nervous about this. Why do I do this to myself?? There is really no reason for me to feel so damn nervous about having this guy over to my house. What really bothers me is I don’t know the exact timeline of events. I can’t wrap my head around him coming over and we’re just sitting around talking and then how do we get to the sex part?

I can’t decide!!! Ok, unless I come back and edit this you can all assume that I’m going through with it. I’m really horny and I just have to do it!!!!