Hmmmm….

I’m still here. I can’t think of anything good to write… Still very emotional all the time. My friends are still going through hell. Don’t quite know what to say or do.

Another day, another job application.

I can’t remember how many application packets I’ve sent out this season. I haven’t heard anything at all. No news is bad news. I’m sending off another one today. I hate being “new to the scene.” It’s impossible to get experience when nobody will give you the first job. Academia is weird. It’s the only field I can think of where your future co-workers are the ones who hire you. If I was in their position I think I’d pass me over, too.

A reminder.

I’ve heard that bad things happen in threes. Bad things have been happening to my friends. First one of them is getting a divorce. Then I found out yesterday that another of my friends was raped over the weekend. All day I’ve had this terrible feeling that something bad is going to happen to someone. I just have no idea what could possibly happen next. I’ve always said that when my friends are hurting I hurt with them. I’ve been in a daze all day. Earlier I started crying out of the blue for no apparent reason other than I just felt sad.

I obviously have never had a divorce myself, but I have dealt with the other issue first hand. It happened to me when I was an undergrad. I was only 19 years old and still a virgin, and I didn’t tell anyone for a very long time after it happened. I didn’t report it because I was doing drugs the night it happened and I didn’t want to lose my scholarship at college because of a drug charge. If you get convicted of a drug charge you are no longer eligible for financial aid for the rest of your life so that weighed heavily against going to the police.

I never sought any professional help. I never told anyone except my husband (I met him online a few months after it happened) and a few friends over the years. Before it happened I was “saving myself” for marriage. I was a naive little church-going girl who didn’t want to disappoint mom and dad. After the choice of whether to have premarital sex was taken away from me, I turned into a little bit of a horny little slut. At least online that is and then later in person.

The way I dealt with my rape is one of my proudest achievements. Of course many people would disagree considering my current sexual lifestyle. But I think that my outlook on sex was changed forever on that fateful July day. That day sex was severed completely from any religious beliefs I had, and for all intents and purposes it started my slow departure from organized religion.

I had planned to write a better series of posts about that night, and I still might get to telling about how it happened and some of the things I did that helped me get over it. I don’t know how interested my readers would be in those sorts of details. These days I can talk about it without getting sad for the most part. Last night it did hit me rather hard because I hadn’t thought about it in months. In fact it wasn’t until three hours after I got off the phone with my friend that I got emotional about it at all. It just hit me like a wave of emotion that could not be ignored.

Sorry to be such a downer these days. Nothing seems to be going right in this world. And tonight sex even seems a little evil to me……

Huh?

A news story on CNN.com caught my eye today. The headline was: 5 troops die in one day. I thought to myself, boy that’s a lot of soldiers. 5 troops means five groups of soldiers, right? Well apparently not anymore. I guess some time in the past few years the word troop now magically means one single soldier. I momentarily doubted my memory of learning the meaning of this word back in the dark ages of my childhood. So I looked it up in the dictionary. Below is what I found.

6 results for: troop
View results from: Dictionary | Thesaurus | Encyclopedia | All Reference | the Web

Dictionary.com Unabridged (v 1.1) - Cite This Source
troop [troop] Pronunciation Key - Show IPA Pronunciation,
–noun
1. an assemblage of persons or things; company; band.
2. a great number or multitude: A whole troop of children swarmed through the museum.
3. Military. an armored cavalry or cavalry unit consisting of two or more platoons and a headquarters group.
4. troops, a body of soldiers, police, etc.: Mounted troops quelled the riot.
5. a unit of Boy Scouts or Girl Scouts usually having a maximum of 32 members under the guidance of an adult leader.
6. a herd, flock, or swarm.
7. Archaic. a band or troupe of actors.
–verb (used without object)
8. to gather in a company; flock together.
9. to come, go, or pass in great numbers; throng.
10. to walk, as if in a march; go: to troop down to breakfast.
11. to walk, march, or pass in rank or order: The students trooped into the auditorium.
12. to associate or consort (usually fol. by with).
–verb (used with object)
13. British Military. to carry (the flag or colors) in a ceremonial way before troops.
14. Obsolete. to assemble or form into a troop or troops.
[Origin: 1535–45;

Life goes on.

Today was a landmark in the life of one of my closest friends. This is the friend I’ve written about on here before. She’s the one I confided in a year ago who was less than pleased with the realization that I was practicing a sexual lifestyle she was uncomfortable hearing about at the time. She’s also the one who has been going through a divorce. She’s very young, early-mid twenties, and had only been married a little over two years. Well, today she signed the final divorce papers. She had had the papers for a little over a week, but couldn’t bring herself to go to the notary public office alone. I took her this afternoon, and it was very rough on her. She cried and looked so pitiful that the clerk refused to let her pay.

We had spent the afternoon together and I tried to keep things light and interesting to keep her mind off of where we were going. I think it worked for the most part because we were chatting and laughing up until we walked into the building.

She recovered quickly and we were talking as I drove her home and she said that she was angry at herself for crying. She went on to explain that she had shed so many tears while packing up her belongings and moving that the last week she wasn’t sad at all. For some reason the officialness of the divorce finally hit her.

I haven’t asked for many details regarding the proceedings of all of this. I just feel so badly for her. I met her when she had just started to plan her wedding. We became friends over the summer she got married. I’ve known her from before she got married, and I’ll admit that she has changed a ton in the past four years that I’ve known her. I can understand why he wanted to end things, but it’s still hard to digest.

I value my marriage and my husband more now than ever. I truly got lucky finding him. I won’t allow myself to feel guilty for being happy, but I wish my friend didn’t have to go through all of this.

So, all you youngsters out there in “serious” relationships. DON’T GET MARRIED. You are not grown-up enough to make life-long decisions until after you have decided what makes you happy in life. A spouse cannot make you happy.

I got lucky that I actually like my husband because after I got married I spent the first few months actually getting to know my husband. We had never even lived in the same country until two months before the wedding. However, I was far too young to be getting married.

This has turned into a bit of a rambling post, but I just needed to get my thoughts down before I get sad and start crying again. The tears are close and I need to stop thinking about this now.

Ditto.

Everything from yesterday morning happened again. I’m loving this winter weather. I hope it lasts a little longer.

Sidenote: I’m 29 years old and still have no cavities. Even after not going to the dentist for 6 1/2 years. My husband, however, has 6 new cavities and a broken tooth to be fixed. That’s what you get when you don’t take care of your teeth! lol The dentist kept commenting on how small my mouth is. It was all I could do to not say, “But you should see what I can do with it when your pants are down!”

Sweet Morning Sex.

This morning my husband and I woke up earlier than usual. A few days ago winter finally arrived, and there is a little bit of snow outside. One of my favorite sensations is when I wake up to a sunny, cold day when there is snow on the ground. I always feel so comfortable and motivated. I think that’s because of where I grew up. Anyway, back to the story at hand. Yesterday was one of those perfect mornings where I wake up early and feel rested and needing sex badly.

My husband had the same idea as me, and did his cute little thing where he tells me I’m beautiful. I once told him that that was a good way to get me in the mood. Now it’s just cute. So he started touching me all over and kissing my nipples. That really got me going. Before long he was between my legs licking my pussy. It just felt so good. I didn’t want it to end, but I came after only a little while. While I was still dazed from my orgasm he shoved his cock inside me and fucked me until I came again right before he came inside me.

It was the perfect start to a beautiful day. I LOVE WINTER.

I think I figured it all out.

I think I have resolved my latest crisis involving the husband. I tried to shut myself off from having reactions to the things he does. I really tried to act like a typical wife. I tried not to want to have sex with him ALL THE TIME. I tried to get mad when he groped me or oogled me. Well it certainly didn’t work. Although this was the longest I went without saying I love you I eventually really missed him.

I think what was causing this whole thing is that one of my good friends is going through a divorce. Since I’m always brutally honest on this blog I’ll admit that I feel a little jealous of her. I’m not jealous that her life is shattered or that she lost what was supposed to be the love of her life. I’m jealous of her freedom. I’m jealous of her new apartment and all the things inside being hers and hers alone. I’m jealous of her “restart” in life.

All the things that I miss about my life while I lived alone that first year of grad school are what she now has. I used to joke that when I moved here alone before my husband found a job here that we split up the house stuff as if we were getting divorced. It was funny then, but now I know how true it was. I also know that there is a very good chance that it will happen again when I find my first job. I must say that I am anxiously awaiting that day.

Part of my pseudo-resolution for this year (I hate calling it that) is to live life for the moment and stop “waiting” for the future to come. I have figured out how to do that. I used to let my mind wander while driving, teaching, reading, working, etc. Now I try to keep music going either on the stereo while driving or on my computer while I work, or to tune into the music my student is playing. I have found that if music is playing it is harder to let my mind wander. So there Truelife (you asked how!) is how I’m going to do it.

I need help.

Can anyone tell me if there is a way to send spammers to someone else’s blog? I have a somewhat enemy online. (Long story, but she’s one of the types of women I hate - the ones who don’t put out then blame their husband for all their problems) I think she might have done something because after I left a comment (actually a very nice and encouraging one) on her blog, spam started coming my way. Also, nobody has commented on my blog since the spams have been coming in. Luckily wordpress filters out all of that stuff. Is this why nobody is commenting? Or is it because you’re all fed up with my lack of good posts?

Did I depress you?

I guess my very personal posts don’t go over so well here. Nobody seems to be reading them or having anything to say. I guess I should write about something sexual to keep you all appeased.

This afternoon I was working on my dissertation and I started to feel antsy. I decided to take a break and look around online. After awhile I started to get horny so I crawled into bed and started playing with my breasts. It was feeling really good because it’s super cold in my house (always is, and we keep it that way on purpose) and my nipples were hard instantly.

I started cooking up a fantasy in my head. It involved a stranger and a dark room. I love fantasizing about fucking a stranger in the dark. I want to feel dominated and almost “forced” to submit.

That got me wet immediately. I started rubbing my clit with my finger, and I came so fast and unexpectedly I almost couldn’t believe it. It only took about 30 seconds of rubbing to bring me to climax. That has to be a new record.

After I recovered I got up and went back to work. I’ve been horny all day now and am eagerly awaiting my husbands return from work. A good fuck is in order immediately upon his arrival. I’m sure he wouldn’t mind me meeting him at the door scantily clad and demanding he drop his pants so I can suck on his cock. What man could say no to that?