Great News!

Yesterday I got the call I have been waiting for. I got a promotion at my orchestra job!!!!!!!!!!!! I’m the leader of the section now. I’ve been working toward this for two years and it finally happened!

Oh, and I’ve been getting horny again, too.

Horny?

Yeah, so I think I used up all my horniness last week. I haven’t even hardly thought about sex since Sunday. I’m not sure why, but I’m not worried. It comes and goes like this all the time. Now, just because I haven’t been interested in sex doesn’t mean my husband goes without. Why should I deny him sex just because I’m not remotely interested? We’ve had sex at least once a day since Sunday and I couldn’t be happier about it. I still love him and want to satisfy him. There is nothing “dutiful” about the sex we’ve been having. I still enjoy it, and of course he does, too. If every wife thought this way the men in this country would never have a bad day again.

Moving forward.

I had a meeting with my academic advisor today. She suggested taking a complete break from my paper and just get back into regular practice with the goal of making a recording this summer that is more professional to include with my job applications for next year. Then I should pick my paper back up in September. She also suggested taking a class this summer and next fall. Just something to get me back on track in a school mindset. I’m floundering out here and I need to be back in the warm embrace of academia. She’s right, I really do need to be in classes in order to be a productive person. It’s what I do best. I found a class that relates at least a little bit to my dissertation topic so I think I’ll be taking that in the fall. Now I feel like I have choices, and can make this work. I didn’t know how to finish school before, but now I can see how to make it work. I’m glad we met today. I feel great about the future now.

But maybe that’s just because I get to be in school again…….

Obsession.

My husband thinks I’m obsessed with sex. He’s right, but it’s not a new thing. Perhaps it’s been more highlighted lately because of my lack of sex during all the travelling I did this month. I just really like sex. It’s not just for the orgasms either. I like feeling like I give someone else pleasure. I love knowing I am the one responsible for someone else’s ecstacy. With some men I enjoy the connection I have with them, also. There is an emotional side to it then. We share parts of ourselves with one another and that is powerful. The best sex I’ve ever had in my life has been and will always be with my husband. He is the only man who loves me, and is the only man who wants me first above all others. Because I love him the sex is just better. Love is a powerful feeling, and when combined with lust the sky is the limit.

I’ve been on a business trip this weekend. The same hotel and same place I always go. This is the hotel where I took a guy back to my room and fucked him last fall. I’m surrounded by good memories from that night, but also surrounded by hundreds of men. This place is swarming with them. There is a figherfighter’s convention going on in this hotel this weekend, and it’s driving me insane! Why? Because I promised my husband I wouldn’t play this weekend. He wanted me starved for cock when I get home tonight. He’ll have his wish, but it’s been hard to behave myself. He sent me with my toy this weekend knowing that no matter how many times a day I masturbate I won’t be satisfied until I have his cock in me. I’m to the point where I’m thinking about sex CONSTANTLY. I guess you could say I’m obsessed.

I AM a slut.

As if you all didn’t already know this, dear readers, I am a slut. Regular readers will remember the story of me sucking a guy off in the back seat of my car while my husband drove us around. I’ve been in touch with that guy ever since, and we’ve been trying since then to find a time for us to get together again. He came over last night! And it was awesome…..almost.

Things started out fine. We got up to the bedroom and I had him out of his pants after only a few awkward “how do we start” moments. He lay back and relaxed on the bed while I went to business on his cock while my husband took pictures. He was hard in no time, and I got him close to coming several times before I stopped so he could fuck me. Here is where the almost part comes in. Let me just say that condoms are the enemy of erections. I. Hate. Condoms.

We gave up trying to fuck, but I was determined to make him cum in my mouth. I had his cock in my mouth and was kind of on my hands and knees so my husband came up behind me and shoved his cock in me. I can’t even begin to describe how awesome it is to have a cock in my mouth and one in my pussy at the same time. I think the guy liked it too because he came shortly after I did. I’m pretty sure it was the sounds I was making that did it for him. I’ll have to remember that. I’m not always a huge fan of the way cum tastes, but having had this guy cum in my mouth twice now I must say that his has a pleasant taste. I guess everyone is just different.

I’m disappointed that I still haven’t gotten to feel him inside me. I often fantasize about his cock, and for it to be that close and for me to not get it was frustrating. I am hoping we can get together alone soon. According to the arrangement I have with my husband I can play with anyone alone as long as he witnesses the first encounter. This guy has also been very supportive of me in the past few weeks and especially the last few days (my husband and I have been fighting, more on that later). He makes a great friend, he’s extremely attractive, has an amazing cock, and he lives in my town. Basically, he has everything I am looking for in a friend with benefits. I won’t know until I talk to him again if he’ll want to see me again, but I bet he will.

Am I invisible?

I have started to get the feeling that I am invisible when I drive. More people have tried to cut me off or just plain not see me in the past week than I can ever remember. People pass me for no reason. It’s like my car and I don’t exist. I can be rather aggressive while driving, but I usually try to play it safe because I don’t want to die in my car. But I think I need to start stepping up the road rage just to keep up with the rest of these idiots.

Desire.

I need to feel again.  I’m not feeling numb by any means, but it has been a few days since I have had sex.  This sucks.  There is no real reason I haven’t.  I could be fucking someone right now, but my husband isn’t home and I promised I wouldn’t play without him.  But I still wanted to.  The guy I’m talking about is the one I sucked off in the backseat of my car while my husband drove us around.  That man’s cock is a masterpiece.  It is perfectly shaped and extremely large.  I’ve certainly never experienced anything like it, and I’m so eager to give it a try.  He’s young, he’s agile, he’s always horny.  So why haven’t we ever gotten together again?  That’s a good question.  The main reason is I am chicken.  I’m scared.  I so desperately want him to enjoy sex with me that I won’t meet with him unless I feel like I am in the perfect personal grooming condition. Maybe it will happen tomorrow night or Wednesday night………

It was a journey.

The recital was extremely draining, but it felt really good to do. I was sad and crying, but I was amazed at how intensely I could feel those emotions. Performing is so vital to my well-being. I know that now more than ever. It’s not about my vanity and wanting praise from others. It’s about me having this compulsive need to make people feel what I feel. Music sounds pretty for a reason. Humans respond to music differently than they respond to any other stimuli. It’s almost a cliché with musicians, but I really do live for music. I compulsively listen to music. And it’s not just classical music although that’s what I am trained in. I love music. If there is something beautiful or meaningful in a piece of music I like it no matter what genre it belongs to.

I came home to my husband after being gone for the better part of a week and fell into his arms, exhausted. We had some pretty intense sex that night. It was so long in coming that it didn’t last long, but it was the most pleasurable sex I’ve ever had. Reunion sex continues to be my favorite kind - even better than make up sex, which I believe is overrated.

I returned from this “tour” a different person. I came back more confident in my ability to navigate the world on my own. I came back even more in love with my husband than I had been before I left.

My husband and I left for ND a day later and I must say I was more than a little happy to have him with me. The funeral was in the same church as my grandmother’s was 9 years ago. It was shocking to see all the cousins, aunts and uncles that I hadn’t seen for many years. They all looked so different and yet the things that I remembered about them were the same. I’ve been away from ND for 5 years, and I’ve changed a lot since I lived there. I understand the world a lot better now and I saw everybody just a little bit differently than I did when I was the naive newlywed I was when I moved away. One thing that struck me was the way people treated me. They seemed to respect me more now. They spoke to me like I was an adult even though I was 24 when I moved away; not exactly a baby. I don’t know if it is because I was the first woman in the entire family to graduate from high school, the first woman to go to college, the first person to go to graduate school, and the only person with (almost) a doctorate. I am also one of only a few cousins who moved away from ND; there are four total - my siblings and I comprising three of those four.

My sister and I played the prelude music before the service. It’s always incredibly hard to perform at a funeral; especially for someone you love. I couldn’t have gotten through the pieces without my sister at my side. We played the piece we had performed the previous weekend. Something really special happened. We both experienced the feeling of someone else playing for us. Like we were floating above our bodies and the music just flowed out of us somehow. I didn’t really say anything, but my sister mentioned it. That’s when I realized we both had the same experience. It was strange in a very good way. After we finished playing we joined the rest of the family in the room set aside for us. We all walked into the sanctuary together, and that procession made me sadder than anything else had before, but I do not know why.

The service was moving, and I actually learned a lot about my grandfather. My dad was not overly close with his father; there were some issues there. My grandfather was not the greatest of men, but he was a good man. I always remember him being happy. That is something I realized as I heard my father give the eulogy. It had never occurred to me before that my grandfather was always the one to tell a joke. He was always very happy to see us kids when we came for a visit. Sure, he could be mean and he said of lot of stupid things (he was a bit of a bigot), but it was never directed at me. My grandfather was the only person I’ve ever let call me a nickname that was a diminutive form of my real first name. I’ve rejected every other attempt by anyone else to use a nickname for me.

After everyone had spoken and the casket moved into the “funeral coach” (yeah even that has a pc term now) we got into cars and followed to the cemetery. My dad asked me to drive cause he didn’t think he could do so safely. The weather was kind of drab all morning and a little cold. There was a forecast of 60% chance of snow. But when we walked outside it was completely sunny and had warmed up considerably. We gathered around the grave and the pastor said a few words. Then as everyone was walking away my mom and dad sang a song used in their church at funerals. It’s one piece of music that always makes me cry - it has such a “final” feel to it. We got back in the car and I saw my dad cry. Not in the way I’ve seen him cry at recitals and such. It was different. He seemed lost. It was an uncontrollable sort of sobbing cry. It broke my heart to see him hurting so much. The moment passed quickly though and I was glad because it was getting hard for me to drive with tears in my own eyes.

I’ve spoken before about how I’ll know when I finally feel like an adult. I usually still feel like a kid in many ways. I thought getting married would make me grow up, but it didn’t. I thought going away to grad school by myself would, but it didn’t. The only thing that has remotely made me feel like an adult is purchasing our first washer and dryer. Well, I think I took another step towards feeling like an adult after seeing my father crumple and cry like that.

The past three weeks have been important for me. I have learned a lot, suffered a loss, and gained important experiences. It was a journey.

Back again.

I’m home for the weekend and the beginning of next week then I’m out of town again Thursday through Sunday.

I feel like the past three weeks have lasted for a year. First it was my trip to ND to see my grandfather for the last time. Then I performed in Chicago and Utah. Then right back to ND for my grandfather’s funeral. Ever since I got married I have wondered when I will feel like an adult. I think I reached another of those milestones this past month. Seeing my father cry made me feel very old. He cries all the time, but it’s always for good things like recitals, graduations, and weddings. But to see him hurting and vulnerable was hard…really hard. When I realized that I was there to support him for once (rather than him always supporting me) that’s when I felt like an adult. It made me care about him in a new way.

To finish reporting on my Chicago trip: it was empoweringly awesome (I don’t think empoweringly is even a word, but you know what I mean). Navigating my way around in my car and spending the afternoon alone just sightseeing were two of my proudest achievements of the past month. The masterclass was awesome, and the webcast went very well.

I parked my car on the street near my friend’s apartment and caught a ride to the airport with her Thursday morning very early. She watched my car for me while I was gone. She actually didn’t even have to move it or anything. It was parked in front of a new building and they hadn’t zoned the parking yet.

I landed in Salt Lake City around noon on Thursday and immediately went to a bridal shop with my mom and sister. We spent 4 hours there, but found the perfect wedding dress for her, a dress for my mom, and the bridesmaid dress for me. After I had been relieved of $300 we drove to the smaller town in which my sister lives. We had dinner and then my sister and I had to rehearse with our pianist for the recital.

That night we got back from rehearsal pretty late. It was about 11:00 local time. My sister dropped me off at the hotel room I was sharing with my mom. I sat up chatting online with my husband for a little before getting ready for bed. My mom was still up when I got there. She just couldn’t sleep. Then her cell phone rang. It was my dad. I instantly knew it couldn’t be good news. He told us that my grandfather passed away shortly after midnight central time.

We knew he didn’t have much longer, but it still hurt to hear it. After my mom and I called my brother and my sister to tell them the news it hit me. I had to perform a recital on Saturday including a piece about death. The piece I’m writing my dissertation on. A piece of music written by a man dying of lung cancer. My grandpa couldn’t breathe as he lay dying either. I was ok until I realized the implications of this piece for me now. That was the first time I cried.

I made the decision to stay and do the recital. I needed to complete it because it just felt like the right thing to do. My sister and I dedicated the recital to him (she performed with me on one piece). The recital went pretty well considering my mindset. I wasn’t emotionally present on the first piece, but the second piece and the last piece were all emotions. It was very raw, but that’s how I was feeling at the time. We recorded the recital, but I haven’t been able to bring myself to listen to it. I cried all the way through the piece I mentioned before. The piece ends peacefully after travelling through hell to get there. I barely finished the last note before my hand was shaking so badly I would have had to stop playing. I’ve never given a more powerful performance.

Three days.

I’ll be without my computer for three days. Actually it’s not three whole days, but actually parts of three different days including one whole one in the middle. I’m not bringing my laptop with me to North Dakota for the funeral. I’m leaving tomorrow late afternoon and returning early afternoon on Thursday. I’ll still be checking email so I’ll be able to see comments.

I’m working on a plan for the posts describing my trip and stuff going on with the implications of travelling for four weeks in a row (I have a business trip next week). I really had an amazing week last week. I learned a lot about myself and experienced some raw emotions that cannot be manufactured. I also had some AWESOME sex last night and this morning. I love my husband. He always makes me feel better.

I promise to update everyone when I get back. I also hope to be having extramarital fun soon. I need new cock!

Thank you to everyone who has been commenting. Your support means a lot to me during this rough patch.