It’s time.

I guess I haven’t been posting much lately. I’ve had a lot of fun experiences in the past few weeks so I will catch you all up on them.

Last weekend I went to a strip club for the first time in my life. Well, actually I had been to one before, but that was just to deliver a pizza. I was a conservative little virgin church goer at the time so I was totally embarrassed to be in there. I literally looked at the floor the entire time I was there. I just walked in and waited for the person who’d ordered to approach me.

Well, this time was much different. It was Jack and I with a bunch of friends we met on AFF. We all met and had dinner at a bar somewhere out in the middle of nowhere then headed over to the strip club.

I was a bit nervous because I didn’t know what to expect. I was mainly afraid that Jack would do something to embarrass me. I thought he’d tease me for being nervous and he did, but it wasn’t as bad as I thought. See, he gets angry with me when I let him go through doors first. He gets mad when I stand behind him while waiting in line. And sometimes (like last night when we went out for dinner) he makes a big deal of it and humiliates me in public. He finds it funny and I just want to disappear when it happens. I’m not allowed to get angry because then he’ll be mad and we all know what happens then: silence from him for days.

Our group was pretty free compared to the other patrons at the club. We were throwing ice cubes down shirts and putting ice in people’s pants, etc. Just kind of acting like horny teenagers. It was fun to watch. Towards the end of the night they all ganged up on me and “forced” me to go sit right up front of the stage. I guess strippers like it when women come because they can show the women’s tits and then the men tip even better because there are more naked tits and that’s what they came to see. I must admit that I like that arrangement, and even though I was nervous I enjoyed every minute of having a naked stripper lift up my shirt and bra and touch her nipples to mine. The men sitting next to me must have liked it too because they were cheering. I heard none of that because I was in the zone (aka nervous!!!!!!!!), but Jack confirmed their pleasure in seeing my naked tits.

All in all I can’t wait to go back. It was a comfortable atmosphere for me. I didn’t have to feel weird for looking at beautiful women’s bodies.

Let’s see….what else have we done…..

Oh yeah, the other night I stayed up late working on my dissertation research (was enjoying getting back to my night owl roots - used to be able to work my absolute best from 10pm to 2am) while Jack went to bed at about 10pm. At 2am I came to bed and woke him up by touching him and playing with his cock. I made him wake up and fuck me. Poor guy - was pretty dazed after we finished because he sat there sitting up and staring at the television for like 15 minutes. I had to actually remind him to lay down and go back to sleep. He’s really cute when he’s groggy like that.

Last night it was storming here and that always makes me horny. Well, I wasn’t that horny last night - I had had a long and productive day and was content to watch television. Jack had other ideas. He “dragged” me upstairs and announced, “we’re fucking.” Who am I to argue with that logic? We kissed and touched for a while and I sucked his cock for a bit before he got between my legs and started licking me. He started really slowly just licking my pussy lips and working his way slowly to my clit. He was teasing me and not really licking hard enough. It was driving me crazy. Finally his tongue started to hit the right spots and he started fucking me with two fingers. When I came my whole body felt like it was paralyzed. I felt so good I couldn’t even move. It was such a good orgasm. Then before I could even come down from my high he was positioning his cock outside my pussy and pushing it inside me. I love that feeling when he first pushes in me. He fucked me good and hard while the storm raged outside. It was amazing…I came so hard last night. I’m getting all horny just thinking about it.

Damn. Back to work on my diss.

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Happy Birthday.

It’s Jack’s birthday. I just gave him part of his birthday gift and now he’s sleeping. I’m pretty sure he enjoyed it because he didn’t move much afterward. It all started when he tied up my tits and then immobilized my arms. He had me lay down on the bed on my back and proceeded to torture me with my hitachi magic wand. So much so that he brought me to tears because it was so intense on my clit. After he stopped the torture he touched me and smacked me around some more until I was just crying. Ok, that sentence may sound bad to some of you, but damn I LOVED IT!!

Then he untied me and we snuggled up under a blanket for a while. Then he got between my legs and licked me until I came so hard I almost lost consciousness. Then he fucked me until I came three times and he sprayed his cum inside me.

So, that’s why he is sleeping after getting part of his gift. We might go out for dinner tonight, but then again it’s father’s day…. oh well. Maybe we’ll go to the casino. But whatever we do, I think I’ll let him sleep for a few more minutes. He worked hard for his birthday gift.

I’m ok.

I had my appointment today to discuss the abnormal pap. I love my doctor. She’s always able to make me feel better even when things don’t look perfect. I have to have a procedure next week that will shed more light (literally and figuratively) on the situation. I’m going to get some sort of scope inside me to get a better look at my cervix. Sorry if all this talk about gyno stuff is turning you off. I think many of my readers come here for the sexual stories. Sorry, but right now I’m a bit sidelined. My procedure is next week on Thursday.

Right now I’m feeling ok with the situation. I don’t the massive amounts of anxiety that I had before my appointment. Unfortunately, Jack isn’t here tonight. I’ll be alone in my own bed for only the third time since we got married in 2000. He is undergoing a sleep study at a local clinic. His doctor thinks he may have sleep apnea. I do know that he snores louder than a jet plane. lol But I’ve learned to live with that. I hope he’s sleeping all right tonight.

I heard from a very old friend today. Someone I hadn’t heard from since maybe 2003. She was my best friend in undergrad, but things ended badly between us. She was the first friend I ever “broke up” with. Ever since my first year of college when I met here she was a complete mess. But I looked up to her as a cool friend. I admired her bravery and spunk. She just always did whatever she wanted whether it was a drug or a boy…anything. She left a message on my home answering machine. That means she looked up my number in the phone book or something. I know she was doing grad school somewhere out east, and I gather that she’d be finishing up right about now. I can’t decide whether to call her back… might open up a whole new can of worms. The way things ended was I finally had to tell her it wasn’t cool to call me 8-10 times a day with all of her problems when she wouldn’t even stop talking to ask how my day was. After that conversation I didn’t hear from her for months. Now it’s 5 years later and I can’t imagine what she’d have to say to me.

I guess I should get to bed. I have a nice big bed all to myself with nobody to fight over the tv remote.

Coffee.

Coffee has been my friend today. It helped me stay focused enough to finish what I needed to before work. All day long I’ve been wracked by anxiety. I can feel it rising from my stomach to my lungs and choking me. The world seems fake to me.

I have drowned myself in playing/practicing today. It makes me tear up when I think about how helpful my instrument is when I’m in a bad place mentally/emotionally. I have always had my violin there to comfort me. All I need to do is hold it in my hands and the smooth wood of the neck makes me feel like I am at home. Then when the chin rest touches my neck my heart rate begins to slow. Once the bow touches the strings I am somewhere else for as long as I need. All that exists at that moment is the music I’m playing. Today I did something very cathartic. For about an hour I just played anything and everything that came to mind. I don’t improvise usually. I’m a classical musician so that’s pretty out of the question for me, but today I just needed to play my own music for just myself.

Then I got down to business and worked out several more pages of music - marking the fingerings and bowings I want to use for performance. That’s pretty much all I’ve been doing of late since I’m stuck on the academic side of the project. Once I work my way through all the pieces I have then I might have some more perspective on the composer as a whole.

I want to thank everyone who has been commenting here and also those who have sent me emails. You help me more than you can ever know.

And lastly, I want you all to know how awesome Jack has been the past few days. I am lucky to have him in my life as my husband. He usually knows just what to do to cheer me up and we had a breakthrough on Friday. Friday was the day I got the letter that started all this anxiety. We hadn’t gone grocery shopping in recent memory and therefore, had nothing to make for supper. We decided to go out to eat even though I wasn’t really in the right state of mind. We hadn’t even talked about the letter in person yet. We went to a restaurant and after about 5 minutes of talking at the table I was crying so hard I had to dismiss myself from the table to try to get my wits about me. I went out to the car and as I walked away from the table I realized that everyone in the restaurant was going to think I was having a fight with Jack. Oh well, I just had to tell myself not to worry what people were thinking. I just needed to stop crying. I got in the car, shut the door and just sobbed for a good minute or two. I took some deep breaths and blew my nose, fixed my make up and made my way back inside to our table. Jack and I had a good conversation and he made me feel better just by looking at me with his loving eyes. I’m so glad I have him!!!!!!!

And then everything jerked to a hault.

Got a letter in the mail today with results from my last “yearly” test. I have mild dysplasia on my cervix. Technically it’s not cancer…yet. I have scheduled an appointment with my gyn next week. I guess I will find out more then. I wasn’t told that I have HPV, but that is the likely cause of the dysplasia. If I do have it that will mean the end of my current lifestyle. This is a disease that can be spread even while carefully using condoms. It can also lie dormant for 20 years so there is any number of men I could have gotten this from. It could have come from one of Jack’s female partners, too.

So far all the information I have was found on the internet. I probably read way too much and worried myself more than I need to. I know that people don’t usually share the good stories for stuff like this, but I didn’t come across one positive story for women who have had dysplasia.

I cried when I called Jack to tell him a few minutes ago. I guess I’m upset about it, but I keep trying to tell myself that there is nothing I can do until I talk to my doctor again. I just hate it when someone tells me not to worry when stuff like this happens. No matter how many times I hear someone tell me not to worry it’s not going to help me stop. Can’t just turn off worry. Nothing will help me stop worrying about this….probably until the day I die.

Rambling Confession/Rant.

[WARNING - The following post was written with very little thought beforehand. It's just a freewrite of sorts. I'm trying to figure some things out. It's also VERY long. sorry.]

I’ve been a very bad blogger for quite some time. I am trying to figure out why. Part of it is because I’m trying to stay on track with my dissertation. However, there is no reason I can’t post more often. I think somewhere along the way I stopped posting about anything other than sex.

Maybe it’s because I am scared about quite a few things right now. I’m terrified that I will never get this dissertation finished. I still haven’t started writing. I’m still trying to figure out what to write about. I have a vague idea of my topic, but nothing specific. Every day I get closer to knowing, but damn this is taking forever. I get up at 8:15 and go right to my computer. I check email, answer teaching/gig emails, read the news, get weather report. That only takes 20-60 minutes. Then I either practice or work on my source list or dig through academic search engines for more information about my topic.

I am also afraid of getting my committee together during the summer. My advisor is such a joke - not really a help. In fact, I emailed her for advice on how to approach a famous scholar on my topic ( someone I got in touch with because I can’t find enough information on my topic). I have never spoken to someone like this and her only response to my plea for help was, “Seems like you are on to something here. Have fun!” How the fuck is that going to help me?! In fact she’s completely fucking useless. She hasn’t helped me in any way in the past two years. I’ve reached out to her for help and basically all I ever get from her is the same old thing, “just get it done.” Yeah I fucking know that part, now how?

I fear the damned template I’m required to use to type this thesis. I attended the training on how to use it, but for some reason when I look at it I still have no idea how to use it. I don’t know how to put musical examples in it. I don’t know what the requirements are for even getting rights to be able to use musical examples.

Let’s see…. what else is bothering me? Oh, my house. Sucks. I want to move, badly. Actually I used to love where we live, but a few things have recently changed my mind. We have a mouse problem. Why? Main reason - we live next to a corn/beans/fallow (depending on what year it is) field. Our back yard runs right into said field. So, I have had mice in my house on and off for a very long time. These mice inspire pure panic in me. I can’t even deal with anything when I can hear them in the walls. I think we’ve found how they are getting into our townhouse and hopefully now we won’t have to worry anymore, but DAMN it makes me want to just move immediately. I want to start over in a house that isn’t tainted by mice. Jack and I are crap at cleaning, too. So of course that left quite the buffet of crumbs, etc for the vermin.

Seriously, why can’t I grow up and learn to keep house like a normal adult? What happened to me? I’ve never been one to clean, but at least I did it from time to time and didn’t dread it like a root canal. When did I become so listless and unmotivated? Most days I can’t even decide what to eat.

Ok, so why am I airing all my dirty laundry on my blog? Maybe it will motivate me to stop being such a loser. That’s right - I’ve become a loser. Nothing anyone says will convince me otherwise. And I don’t know how to change it.

What happens if I do finish this dissertation and graduate in December? Well, 6 months later I’ll get a wonderful graduation present in the form of bill for starting to pay back my huge pile of student loans. Guess what? We don’t make enough money to make those payments.

I don’t have confidence that I will ever find a real tenure-track position at a university either. With my degrees from the institutions I got them from I don’t think I’ll ever even get an interview. I’m so terrified that I’ll never get where I always dreamed of being. I just don’t think I’m good enough. Maybe I’m wrong. But when I do start applying for jobs again how in the hell am I going to get recommendation letters now? Who in the world would write me a good letter when it took me (at least) two and a half years to do my dissertation? Furthermore, they haven’t heard from me in those two years. They don’t know what I’ve been up to. What happens if they all write bad letters and I never know about it? What if I keep applying for jobs year after year and never get anything because my letters say terrible things about me because I’m a loser?

Here I am, 30 years old and it feels like my life is passing me by. I think I do want a kid some day, but I can’t do that any time soon. If Jack and I can’t even support ourselves why would we have a kid? Hell, we can’t even have a dog where we live now. We rent a town house and even though mice roam freely, we aren’t allowed to even have a small dog.

I’m rambling, but oh well. I hate my kitchen. It’s just too fucking small. Barely any counter space, hardly any cabinet space. I have my pots and pans in a fucking drawer because there are only two cabinets. Yeah, TWO! For some reason this is bothering me all of a sudden. Maybe I have to stop watching HGTV or something.

And another thing, we have birds living in our grill out on our patio. FUCK! And it’s too windy to have nice flowers or anything outside. It’s always windy here. Not at our neighbors, just our house. The way we are situated is in some sort of wind tunnel formed between our building and the condos next door. And there are ZERO trees in our neighborhood. ZERO! It’s the typical suburb where every house is depressingly the same. God forbid anyone have the balls to have a house that isn’t beige or gray. Why is it like that these days? Why does everyone want houses that look just like every other house in the neighborhood? And since when does it look architecturally pleasing to have the front of the house just be a huge garage? It’s like Americans got together and decided that their favorite part of a house is the garage and they absolutely MUST see only the garage on the front of the house. I guess garage doors are the biggest facet of the new American aesthetic. And they all have to look exactly the same. Garage doors must be white. Houses must be beige or gray. Maybe there is some sort of new rule that says that if you have a unique house then you must be executed for being different. I want to walk up to each of the houses on my street and ask them why they have to all look the same. What could possibly be the reason? What’s wrong with you people?! And why do all these houses have to be so big? Jack and I once looked into buying a house, but holy shit they are all huge. We want new construction, but it looks like when we do want to buy a house we’ll have to build it ourselves. Who needs 3,000 of living space? Where do these people get the money to pay for these houses anyway? Maybe that’s why there are so many McMansions for sale in our town. That’s what you get for getting an adjustable rate mortgage. The whole country is going to hell.

There you have it. I can’t write about all the fun debaucherous sex we’re having because everything else in life sucks so bad. The difference between me and Jack and the majority of all of the rest of the country is at least we have sex. At least we still like sex. At least we don’t spend our lives trying to suppress and kill our natural sexuality. At least we don’t subscribe to a belief that sex is bad and something to be hidden. Without sex I think I would just die from the stress of everything. Just keel over and die.