I had a pretty bad week. I started seeing a counselor/therapist on Monday. I need someone on my side who knows nobody in my life. I think I just need help sorting some things out. I don’t know how much it will help to see someone weekly, but I’m going to try it because nothing else is working. I have found that I don’t have any friends in my daily life that I can talk to about all the facets of my life. I still haven’t decided if I am going to talk about my sexual lifestyle with my therapist. I don’t know if I’m ready to relate it to my daily life just yet. I’m still sorting through some of the social implications. I am learning just how puritanical this country is. Nobody is ready to accept someone who is free sexually. I don’t want to feel lie a deviant because there is nothing wrong with enjoying sex with as many people as I want to. I’m not hurting anyone by pursuing this, but it is very hard to explain that to the normal person on the street. There is such a social stigma, and yet people love to hear about sex in general. Popular culture is driven by two things, one is money and the other is sex. That’s it. There is nothing more important. So then why is it so hard for my friends to respect me? Why is it “horrifying” for me to have sex with people other than my husband? I’m not doing this to anyone else, and everyone involved is doing so consensually. I’m not hurting anyone. It’s just pleasure, pure and simple. So here’s the deal. I told one of my closest friends about my then upcoming encounter with my new friend whom I have talked about here before. She was “horrified” by it. She wasn’t even willing to talk about it one bit. She basically told me that she never wanted to hear another word about it. We’ve stayed friends, but it has never been the same since. I’m still grieving over the loss of her friendship. I should have never said anything, but I so needed someone to talk to about my new experiences. I thought she’d be there for me no matter what. I was so wrong it felt like a slap in the face when she rejected me. This may be my own fault, but I have absolutely nobody to talk to where I can be completely honest about everything I have experienced and everything I currently am experiencing. I guess I need to come to terms with being a liar. At least the kind who leaves things out when she doesn’t want that person to know something. It’s virtually impossible for me to lie to someone’s face. They can always tell instantly. I wear my heart on my sleeve and sometimes that really sucks! I can’t seem to keep my mouth shut when I really need to. My private thoughts should stay private and I shouldn’t be sharing them with friends. I can’t trust them to keep things to themselves anyway. I used to be able to trust my friends, but now after this most recent fiasco I no longer have that trust in anyone. I guess I am feeling very alone right now. I just need someone to tell me everything is going to be ok. I need lots of hugs. I’m feeling extremely needy right now, and I hate it when I feel this way. I need to snap out of it!!!!!!!!