I have pretty much taken this week off from doing anything productive outside of work. This weekend I’m travelling to visit my brother two states away. This time I’m going with my husband so there won’t be any parent drama.

I’m horny and still haven’t had any new encounters. I just don’t feel sexy. I feel like an ugly dumpy housewife.

When I was super busy with school and work and being married I was much more productive. Now that I have all the time in the world to get things done, nothing happens. I have no idea how to get my butt motivated anymore.

Here’s what I wish would happen. One day I get a call from a local spa. They want to give me a weekend of pampering for free. I want to feel like a girl again. You know, get my hair done, get a massage, get a facial, that sort of thing. Then I want to meet a gorgeous guy somewhere like the library or grocery store. He’ll flirt with me and I’ll give him my phone number. He’ll call and say he wants to meet me and my husband for drinks. Things go well and we all end up fucking for hours in a hotel room. Then the next day I’ll be floating in pleasure still and start to get things done. I’ll finish the revisions of my dissertation topic proposal, and meet with my committee to get started on writing. Then I’ll spend an entire day cleaning my house and getting it totally organized. Then I’ll put the finishing touches on my CV (academic resume) and get it ready to be sent out if I ever find any job openings. Then one magic day in November I will get a call from a small university in Maine saying that they have granted me an on-campus interview. I go to the interview and nail it. They hire me a week later. Then I can start planning on moving to the small town in Maine. At that point my life will be perfect. I don’t even care about the status of my dissertation at that point. As long as I have a job, I WILL BE TOTALLY HAPPY!

Ok, now if this ever does happen this way. I’ll be totally shocked. Most likely the way it will happen is that I’ll sit here for three years before I even get an on-campus interview, then I’ll blow it and have to wait three more years to get another one. Then I’ll decide that I cannot make it in academia and take a job as a waitress. kill me now