Tonight is my last night here alone on this business trip. I’m playing a series of Christmas concerts with my orchestra. We had one concert last night and another at 2 this afternoon and another one coming up at 7. We are performing a few pieces with the local adult community choir. They sing one song without orchestra. It’s a song that is close to my heart. Back when I was an undergrad I took voice lessons and sang in choir. My college choir went on a tour around the state singing for high schools in small towns. The tour took place in a very emotional time of my life. It was the semester before I got married. So many wonderful things were happening in my life, but there were some difficult things I was sorting out also. We sang the song in question on the tour, and the choir here this weekend is also singing it. It brings me to tears to hear it again after all these years. I’m instantly transported back six years to the trip and all the friends I had back then. I miss the simplicity of being an undergrad. I miss the support of all the people around me. I miss the girl I used to be. It’s only been six years, but I’m so different now I don’t think the old me would recognize me now.

One of the things I’ve been struggling with this weekend is how far I have fallen away from any sort of spirituality. Recently I have started to feel uncomfortable trying to force myself to have faith in the christian religion in which I was raised. I cannot seem to make myself believe what now looks like a fairy tale told to control masses of people. I don’t know exactly what I believe, but I’m sure that I can never again blindly follow the christian church.

The biggest thing I have against the church is the view of sex. For me sex is an extremely important part of my life. It is second only to music. It’s not just sex with my husband either. I feel like there is nothing wrong with sharing sexual pleasure with many people. For me, there is something spiritual about having sex. I wonder if there is some group of people somewhere that feel the same way. It would be really nice to know people that live the lifestyle I want to live without fear of being found out.

I’ve been reading a book called “Lies My Teacher Told Me.” It’s basically about how American history textbooks get almost everything about American history wrong. It has given me a new perspective on the true history of the United States. I don’t really like what I’m learning. I am almost ashamed to live in such a country. Historically, this country is based on hypocrisy and greed. Hipocrisy because the beloved constitution had/has little to do with how they dealt with anyone who wasn’t a white European. Sure, it has been ammended, but the original government of this country was horribly racist against the blacks and Native Americans. The ammended changes were only made once the white establishment could absolutely no longer continue to make money without pretending that everybody was equal. The greed part comes in when you really consider the motivation for everything in America today. Money is the new god, yet people pretend that they are “good christians” and show up at church on Sundays. They pretend to live virtuous lives, but in secret they are cheating on spouses, amassing as much money as possible, and basically living the life of hypocrisy.

In this country sex is supposed to be sinful. Nudity is banned from public media. Extra-marital sex is looked down upon, yet many, many people do it.

Why can’t we just let people have sex when and with whoever they want to? So what if the president gets some blow jobs on the side? So what is such and such celebrity dresses like a woman in private. So what if gay people want to get married? It’s not going to hurt anyone if these things go on in other people’s lives. A gay couple getting married isn’t going to hurt anyone. Why do people care what gay people do with their lives. It’s not contagious or anything ridiculous like that.

This is turning into a long rant. Sorry. I have changed so much from my conservative past. I never would have thought I would end up in and interracial, open marriage. But I couldn’t be happier in my relationship with my husband. He is the highlight of my life, and he has made it possible for me to be happy.