I just re-read my last post and I hope I didn’t come across as bashing men. I love my husband, and men in general. Women are the ones messing up most of the time. But there is one thing about men I’m not fond of, and that’s their communication skills or lack thereof.

I’ve spent the day thinking of what to do next regarding my husband. This is not the first time he’s acted this way, nor will it be the last. I have had crazy thoughts run through my mind like maybe there is someone out there who would be better for me. If he knew I was thinking that I bet he’d be angry. It’s something that has crossed my mind more than once in the past year or so. I would never leave my husband, but I often wonder if there is another man just a little more suited to me.

I have decided that there probably isn’t another man who can love me the way my husband loves me. No other man who could put up with my moods the way my husband does. No other man who would move to another country to marry me. No other man who would give up wonderful life-long friends to move to ND to marry me. No other man who could desire me sexually the way he does. No other man who would be able to let me be as free as my husband allows.

So then what can I do to make myself feel happier when he gets like this? I can take a page out of the book of man-law and shut myself down emotionally. I can distance my feelings into a deep dark pit for no other human to ever see again. I can put up a huge wall so that my husband will never again see the vulnerable little girl I have inside me.

As far as I can see the only way I’m going to ever be able to deal with this is to protect myself. I’m always dispensing advice to other people to take care of themselves first, yet I rarely do. I’m just as selfish as the next person, but when it comes to emotions I share far too easily.

I will live the life of a good wife, and do all the domestic things that entails. I will enjoy a passionate sex life with and without my husband. I will share mundane life details with my husband. I will not share my inner thoughts and opinions with him. He has lost that priviledge, and will have to earn it back.

Will he even notice? I don’t know. My best guess is no. I’m feeling a lot of emotional pain right now and even burst into tears this afternoon when thinking of this problem. However, I believe that this is the only way to ensure that I don’t have to go through anguish every time he gets like this.