I’ve heard that bad things happen in threes. Bad things have been happening to my friends. First one of them is getting a divorce. Then I found out yesterday that another of my friends was raped over the weekend. All day I’ve had this terrible feeling that something bad is going to happen to someone. I just have no idea what could possibly happen next. I’ve always said that when my friends are hurting I hurt with them. I’ve been in a daze all day. Earlier I started crying out of the blue for no apparent reason other than I just felt sad.

I obviously have never had a divorce myself, but I have dealt with the other issue first hand. It happened to me when I was an undergrad. I was only 19 years old and still a virgin, and I didn’t tell anyone for a very long time after it happened. I didn’t report it because I was doing drugs the night it happened and I didn’t want to lose my scholarship at college because of a drug charge. If you get convicted of a drug charge you are no longer eligible for financial aid for the rest of your life so that weighed heavily against going to the police.

I never sought any professional help. I never told anyone except my husband (I met him online a few months after it happened) and a few friends over the years. Before it happened I was “saving myself” for marriage. I was a naive little church-going girl who didn’t want to disappoint mom and dad. After the choice of whether to have premarital sex was taken away from me, I turned into a little bit of a horny little slut. At least online that is and then later in person.

The way I dealt with my rape is one of my proudest achievements. Of course many people would disagree considering my current sexual lifestyle. But I think that my outlook on sex was changed forever on that fateful July day. That day sex was severed completely from any religious beliefs I had, and for all intents and purposes it started my slow departure from organized religion.

I had planned to write a better series of posts about that night, and I still might get to telling about how it happened and some of the things I did that helped me get over it. I don’t know how interested my readers would be in those sorts of details. These days I can talk about it without getting sad for the most part. Last night it did hit me rather hard because I hadn’t thought about it in months. In fact it wasn’t until three hours after I got off the phone with my friend that I got emotional about it at all. It just hit me like a wave of emotion that could not be ignored.

Sorry to be such a downer these days. Nothing seems to be going right in this world. And tonight sex even seems a little evil to me……