The family is in planning stage. The funeral is set for Wednesday, and tomorrow my parents will be booking me a flight to go home on Tuesday night. Thankfully, my husband will be coming with me. I need him so much right now. I feel like I haven’t seen him in a month.

The recital is tomorrow. I must admit that I feel very ready to do this performance. When I’m going through a difficult time music always helps. I practiced for a little over 6 hours total today and I am in a good place technique-wise. I love the way I can focus when I’m in the final preparation stages for a recital. It’s why I love music. This is what I was meant to do. I perform.

My sister is performing with me on one of the pieces on my recital tomorrow so we decided to dedicate the whole concert to our grandfather.

Through all of this I’m left sometimes wondering what I should be thinking and feeling. When I wish it would all go away I feel a pang of guilt. When I think about falling into my husband’s arms it makes me sad because he is not here. When I think of falling into another man’s arms I feel frustrated because I will not be able to have an encounter for a long time because of all this travel. I am more than a little horny much of the time. I need the release of sex for more than just an orgasm. I need to feel close to someone in the most intimate of ways. I guess at this point it’s just waiting. I will get the release I need – I just have to wait.