I wish finding a regular lover was easier. I want to have someone in my life that I play with on a regular basis. Someone I have some sort of relationship with. But who will it be? I think there are two sides to what I am looking for and they are related.

I’m looking for a man that will give me the kind of sexual experiences that I need to have. I want to find a man to dominate me sexually. I want him to push my physical and mental limits. I want to experiment with being tied up. Which positions can I endure and for how long? I want to experience pain mixed with sexual pleasure. How much can I take, and how will I feel afterwards? I want this man to treat me like a slut and punish me when I make a mistake.

The other thing I’m looking for is a man who will make me feel like a princess. I want him to find me as irresistable as I find him. I want an encounter with him to start with him kissing me more and more passionately with his hands roaming all over my body until he starts removing my clothing to gain better access all while asking my permission before moving any further. I want my pleasure to be his foremost goal, which in turn makes me want to please him even more.

The second one seems tame to me, but it’s something I’ve been thinking more and more about. Especially as I move closer to finding a man to submit to. I’m always drawn to contrast, and I guess sex is no exception. I think these two scenarios fit together because they both include me being nurtured to some degree. After I am punished, abused, and generally used I want him to comfort me and say it’s ok, that I’m ok and call me a good girl.

But how do I find what I want? Why do I even need to find other men besides my husband to help me fulfill these fantasies. He already gives me both scenarios in our regular “marital relations” so there is nothing actually missing. He’s a harsh master that makes me cry when I deserve it and he soothes the pain in ways only he knows how to. He can be the kindest, most special lover also. I guess I just want more? Maybe it’s about contrast once again? There is something intoxicating about a stranger coming into my life and becoming my intimate friend.