Last night was frustrating. I’m glad it ended with me frustrated. It could have ended in drunken debaucherous sex. However, that drunken, debaucherous sex could have resulted in EXTREME awkwardness this morning and for the foreseeable future. Simply stated, I behaved myself.

After our concert last night some friends of mine threw a party at their house. I brought Mike, and everybody was having a great time. Copious amounts of vodka were consumed by all and all of a sudden Mike was so drunk he was having trouble standing. I had driven so it was good luck that I was not also that far gone.

When musicians drink strange things happen. Things get said. Secrets get revealed. Wild sides are exposed. At this party I came close to telling Mike about my sexual lifestyle. I did tell one other friend, but it was done in confidence and before anyone was drunk. She was excited to meet “someone like me” because she had a lot of questions about how my husband and I started down this path, and how we deal with all the logistics, etc.

Why didn’t I tell Mike? I could have, but I made the decision not to because he was drunk. As I drove him home he said kept thanking me for being able to drive. I couldn’t figure out why he was so thankful. At one point he said, “I’m going to pass out right away when I get to my hotel room.” Then he reiterated that again with, “I’m glad I will just be passing out all alone when I get to my hotel room.” Then he said it again, “I’m glad I will be alone because otherwise I might do something really stupid.”

Then there was at least a full minute of silence. I didn’t know how to respond. I figured I had two options: 1) agree with him that passing out alone would be good OR 2) ask what that stupid thing might be.

I chose option 1. Why? I wasn’t 100% sure he was referring to me as being the person with whom he’d “do something stupid.” And then I clammed up and didn’t pursue it. I have to admit to all of you that when he said that it was probably good that he was going to be alone otherwise he might do something stupid my heart started racing, and I was instantly turned on. I was hit by a wave of lust, and barely able to contain my thoughts. Was it me he was referring to?

After the awkward moment of silence it seemed we needed an outside explanation for what just happened. He commented on something kind of weird that had happened at the party. One girl suddenly got mad at him for no apparent reason. She claimed he said something mean and wanted an apology. She was as drunk as he was so I found the situation to be quite hilarious. Well, he started to couch his earlier statement in terms of this other girl. He said that she wasn’t acting married. That her eyes weren’t acting married. Ok, they probably had one conversation with each other all night that wasn’t a fight. She was sitting on the other side of a dark room, and I suspect that he still might have been talking about me. I certainly wasn’t “acting married.” I was giving him the most intense eyes I can. I was flirting with him (something I am not good at unless I’ve been drinking and know the person fairly well) a lot. I was left even more confused and glad that I didn’t pick option 2 because of the way he sort of tried to cover it up just so I wouldn’t be weirded out in case I was not interested in him. Maybe he’s clueless on how to read signals from women, but he wouldn’t have had to work very hard to have a lot of fun with me last night.

When we got back to the hotel I parked my car and we walked inside. As we walked I kept trying to figure out how to salvage the evening and get him to come to my room instead of his. We got into the elevator and he and I continued to discuss this other girl in terms of him wishing he could have had more time, etc. I told him he always chooses the wrong one. (long history there, but he had kind of almost maybe hooked up with my friend who went through a divorce last spring and things didn’t work out in the end between them). I commented on how he always chooses married women and then picks the wrong one. He looked at me and I thought maybe he understood what I was saying, but the doors opened and we walked down the hall to our rooms. Randomly our rooms were right next to each other and I walked with him to his door telling him that I was going to make sure he got inside safely. He thanked me again for driving him home and he had this look on his face that said that he was disappointed – big puppy dog eyes. Then he hugged me. We’ve been friends for about a year and see each other only at these orchestra gigs, but there have been other times when we would have hugged and didn’t. I’m a very huggy person and he and I have even discussed this before. He’s not that way and I remember him telling me that he only hugs people when it means something to him. So he hugged me and it felt like he didn’t want to let go. He had kind of a sad look on his face when the hug ended and his hand lingered on my arm as we stepped back from each other. I was trying to send signals that I was enjoying it and didn’t want him to go in his room all alone, but I let him go.

I let him go, and I’m glad now. Although I was a bit sad last night because I feel like I came close to at least spending some time alone with him in a hotel room. Who knows if we would have had sex? Certainly if my clothes had come off he would have been feeling pretty good this morning. You all know what happens to me when my clothes come off. 😉