It’s been canceled. The big 10 man event has officially been canceled. D is a single father of a 13 year old, and the kid has been running amok. He basically can’t let his kid out of his sight and therefore cannot stage a gang bang for me on Saturday. We’ll try again in June – the kid will be with the mother for the summer. I’m really bummed out. There was a big part of me that was getting ready for the big day. For me it was a pretty big deal because I have no idea if I can even handle that much fucking in one day. I’m willing to try, but it takes a lot of thinking and preparation in order for me to get there. I have to be in the right head space. Ok, this is sounding really stupid, but I don’t know how else to put it. Certainly, there is no training camp or advice column for this sort of thing.

I’ve been getting a lot of messages from men on AFF lately. Don’t know what caused the increase. These guys are actually using sentences and real words, too. That has kept me a bit busy because I only respond to messages containing punctuation and capital letters, etc.

I’m really sad that I most likely won’t get to see D until this summer. At the same time, I can’t imagine how bad it is for him. Not only is he worried about his kid, but now he’s also under house arrest while he keeps an eye out for trouble. D’s being punished for the way his kid is acting. And really, this is the first time any real problems have happened. He’s a good parent, but every kid gets attitude problems at that age so I understand.

I’m sorry I haven’t been around on the blog lately. I have actually been working on my dissertation every day. I’ve been getting practicing done, too. Usually when I’m productive I have a huge urge to write more on here, but lately I’ve been having a large amount of anxiety. It’s usually connected to my sexual lifestyle, too. Nothing has changed, but I feel nervous more often now. Not nervous like I get when I’m going to meet someone, but nervous in general. Like when I think about sex I just get anxious. It sucks. I’m thinking that a good session with D would help with that, but it’s not going to happen any time soon.

My husband has been great, and we tried to have a session like that last night. The problem is, I love my husband so it’s harder for me to really get into the experience when it’s him dominating me. I am too emotionally attached to him. I know he can hurt me and he usually takes me to that threshold faster than D does, which makes for a smaller release. It’s really hard to explain. My head is swimming all around, and now I’m slacking off so I guess I should stop writing….