[WARNING – The following post was written with very little thought beforehand. It’s just a freewrite of sorts. I’m trying to figure some things out. It’s also VERY long. sorry.]

I’ve been a very bad blogger for quite some time. I am trying to figure out why. Part of it is because I’m trying to stay on track with my dissertation. However, there is no reason I can’t post more often. I think somewhere along the way I stopped posting about anything other than sex.

Maybe it’s because I am scared about quite a few things right now. I’m terrified that I will never get this dissertation finished. I still haven’t started writing. I’m still trying to figure out what to write about. I have a vague idea of my topic, but nothing specific. Every day I get closer to knowing, but damn this is taking forever. I get up at 8:15 and go right to my computer. I check email, answer teaching/gig emails, read the news, get weather report. That only takes 20-60 minutes. Then I either practice or work on my source list or dig through academic search engines for more information about my topic.

I am also afraid of getting my committee together during the summer. My advisor is such a joke – not really a help. In fact, I emailed her for advice on how to approach a famous scholar on my topic ( someone I got in touch with because I can’t find enough information on my topic). I have never spoken to someone like this and her only response to my plea for help was, “Seems like you are on to something here. Have fun!” How the fuck is that going to help me?! In fact she’s completely fucking useless. She hasn’t helped me in any way in the past two years. I’ve reached out to her for help and basically all I ever get from her is the same old thing, “just get it done.” Yeah I fucking know that part, now how?

I fear the damned template I’m required to use to type this thesis. I attended the training on how to use it, but for some reason when I look at it I still have no idea how to use it. I don’t know how to put musical examples in it. I don’t know what the requirements are for even getting rights to be able to use musical examples.

Let’s see…. what else is bothering me? Oh, my house. Sucks. I want to move, badly. Actually I used to love where we live, but a few things have recently changed my mind. We have a mouse problem. Why? Main reason – we live next to a corn/beans/fallow (depending on what year it is) field. Our back yard runs right into said field. So, I have had mice in my house on and off for a very long time. These mice inspire pure panic in me. I can’t even deal with anything when I can hear them in the walls. I think we’ve found how they are getting into our townhouse and hopefully now we won’t have to worry anymore, but DAMN it makes me want to just move immediately. I want to start over in a house that isn’t tainted by mice. Jack and I are crap at cleaning, too. So of course that left quite the buffet of crumbs, etc for the vermin.

Seriously, why can’t I grow up and learn to keep house like a normal adult? What happened to me? I’ve never been one to clean, but at least I did it from time to time and didn’t dread it like a root canal. When did I become so listless and unmotivated? Most days I can’t even decide what to eat.

Ok, so why am I airing all my dirty laundry on my blog? Maybe it will motivate me to stop being such a loser. That’s right – I’ve become a loser. Nothing anyone says will convince me otherwise. And I don’t know how to change it.

What happens if I do finish this dissertation and graduate in December? Well, 6 months later I’ll get a wonderful graduation present in the form of bill for starting to pay back my huge pile of student loans. Guess what? We don’t make enough money to make those payments.

I don’t have confidence that I will ever find a real tenure-track position at a university either. With my degrees from the institutions I got them from I don’t think I’ll ever even get an interview. I’m so terrified that I’ll never get where I always dreamed of being. I just don’t think I’m good enough. Maybe I’m wrong. But when I do start applying for jobs again how in the hell am I going to get recommendation letters now? Who in the world would write me a good letter when it took me (at least) two and a half years to do my dissertation? Furthermore, they haven’t heard from me in those two years. They don’t know what I’ve been up to. What happens if they all write bad letters and I never know about it? What if I keep applying for jobs year after year and never get anything because my letters say terrible things about me because I’m a loser?

Here I am, 30 years old and it feels like my life is passing me by. I think I do want a kid some day, but I can’t do that any time soon. If Jack and I can’t even support ourselves why would we have a kid? Hell, we can’t even have a dog where we live now. We rent a town house and even though mice roam freely, we aren’t allowed to even have a small dog.

I’m rambling, but oh well. I hate my kitchen. It’s just too fucking small. Barely any counter space, hardly any cabinet space. I have my pots and pans in a fucking drawer because there are only two cabinets. Yeah, TWO! For some reason this is bothering me all of a sudden. Maybe I have to stop watching HGTV or something.

And another thing, we have birds living in our grill out on our patio. FUCK! And it’s too windy to have nice flowers or anything outside. It’s always windy here. Not at our neighbors, just our house. The way we are situated is in some sort of wind tunnel formed between our building and the condos next door. And there are ZERO trees in our neighborhood. ZERO! It’s the typical suburb where every house is depressingly the same. God forbid anyone have the balls to have a house that isn’t beige or gray. Why is it like that these days? Why does everyone want houses that look just like every other house in the neighborhood? And since when does it look architecturally pleasing to have the front of the house just be a huge garage? It’s like Americans got together and decided that their favorite part of a house is the garage and they absolutely MUST see only the garage on the front of the house. I guess garage doors are the biggest facet of the new American aesthetic. And they all have to look exactly the same. Garage doors must be white. Houses must be beige or gray. Maybe there is some sort of new rule that says that if you have a unique house then you must be executed for being different. I want to walk up to each of the houses on my street and ask them why they have to all look the same. What could possibly be the reason? What’s wrong with you people?! And why do all these houses have to be so big? Jack and I once looked into buying a house, but holy shit they are all huge. We want new construction, but it looks like when we do want to buy a house we’ll have to build it ourselves. Who needs 3,000 of living space? Where do these people get the money to pay for these houses anyway? Maybe that’s why there are so many McMansions for sale in our town. That’s what you get for getting an adjustable rate mortgage. The whole country is going to hell.

There you have it. I can’t write about all the fun debaucherous sex we’re having because everything else in life sucks so bad. The difference between me and Jack and the majority of all of the rest of the country is at least we have sex. At least we still like sex. At least we don’t spend our lives trying to suppress and kill our natural sexuality. At least we don’t subscribe to a belief that sex is bad and something to be hidden. Without sex I think I would just die from the stress of everything. Just keel over and die.