I have just started to realize that I’ve been depressed all summer, and it’s not changing any time soon. I have always struggled with depression; ever since high school. Now, I HATE trite posts about how people struggle with depression, and I’ve avoided writing about this before. However, I am trying everything I can to snap out of this.

When I finished up my coursework in May of 2004 I thought it would take me a few months to finish my dissertation and then I’d graduate and be done with things. Well, as it turned out I was incredibly burnt out by school and couldn’t be bothered to work on it. I needed money so I started teaching and working more. That made me have much less free time on my hands, but a little more money. When I was in school I could do anything. I could be in class all day, work all evening and then still do homework or practice for several hours before bed. Now I can’t figure out how I ever had that kind of energy. Certainly it can’t be age, it’s not like I’m 50 or something. I shouldn’t be “slowing down” yet. This should be the start of the peak of my career when instead I haven’t even started yet.

I can’t get motivated. I am ashamed at how lazy I’ve become. I worked on my dissertation for a few hours this morning, but it didn’t do anything except make me feel even more discouraged. It’s a mountain that I have to climb and I feel like I have nothing more than a pair of sneakers with which to climb.

Sex is all fun and good, but it doesn’t make me money. If it was legal to make money having sex you know I’d be the first offering it up.

I’m dreading the winter just a bit….only because I’m sensitive to lack of light during the winter and the place I used to go tanning closed down. Now there isn’t a convenient place for me to get my winter “sun.”

Another thing getting me down is the state of the country. Every day there is news of some other financial disaster. The presidential election scares me because of McCain wins I’ll have to find another career because he’ll decimate the arts even more than Bush. Palin scares me. She makes me ashamed to be an American. How can someone so closed-minded and just generally stupid be a nominee for vice president? Even Bush looks smart and worldly next to her. The religious freaks in the country are going to ruin it for everyone. All the poor “rednecks” out there still vote Republican even though that’s what is keeping them poor. I’ll never understand why poor people vote Republican. Must be all the christian brainwashing…that’s the evil part – don’t even get me started on that.

What a horrible post!!! Sorry everybody, but this is my life these days…..just depressing.