I lied to Jack about smoking. I started smoking regularly last winter when we were having our troubles. Wait, that makes it sound like it’s his fault. See how bad of a person I am? What I should say is that I started smoking every day back in February. I hid it from Jack until he caught me on November 22nd. I betrayed his trust. I used to be a smoker, then I quit in 2004. Then I would smoke occasionally with certain friends (Jack knew about that part). Then I started doing it every day without him knowing. He HATES smoking. I have lied to him about this before. The last time was in 2002 before I came to graduate school. That time it was because I was working a crappy telemarketing job (selling credit cards to people with bad credit) and the only way we got extra breaks was to be a smoker so I caved and started up again.

I LOVE SMOKING. I cannot deny how much I love to smoke cigarettes. I fully know how horrible they are for my health. All of my dead grandparents died of smoking related causes. That should be enough. I am approaching this time quitting as the end of the road. If I am not sucessful I will die. Why? Because Jack will leave me if I fail. Then the person I am will just die. My life would be nothing without him. He is the only good thing to ever happen to me, and I can’t lose him.

I have let Jack down in so many ways already. I am not the wife I should be – I don’t keep the house clean, I don’t cook him meals every day, etc. I have not finished graduate school. Each day I go without finishing my dissertation is another day I disappoint Jack.

I know that I should want to finish for myself, but right now I don’t feel like I deserve anything good for myself. How do I dig myself out of this?