I lied to Jack about smoking. I started smoking regularly last winter when we were having our troubles. Wait, that makes it sound like it’s his fault. See how bad of a person I am? What I should say is that I started smoking every day back in February. I hid it from Jack until he caught me on November 22nd. I betrayed his trust. I used to be a smoker, then I quit in 2004. Then I would smoke occasionally with certain friends (Jack knew about that part). Then I started doing it every day without him knowing. He HATES smoking. I have lied to him about this before. The last time was in 2002 before I came to graduate school. That time it was because I was working a crappy telemarketing job (selling credit cards to people with bad credit) and the only way we got extra breaks was to be a smoker so I caved and started up again.
I LOVE SMOKING. I cannot deny how much I love to smoke cigarettes. I fully know how horrible they are for my health. All of my dead grandparents died of smoking related causes. That should be enough. I am approaching this time quitting as the end of the road. If I am not sucessful I will die. Why? Because Jack will leave me if I fail. Then the person I am will just die. My life would be nothing without him. He is the only good thing to ever happen to me, and I can’t lose him.
I have let Jack down in so many ways already. I am not the wife I should be – I don’t keep the house clean, I don’t cook him meals every day, etc. I have not finished graduate school. Each day I go without finishing my dissertation is another day I disappoint Jack.
I know that I should want to finish for myself, but right now I don’t feel like I deserve anything good for myself. How do I dig myself out of this?
Oh sweetie I wish I had an answer for you. You’ve described a lot of how I feel about letting people down although for mostly different things than yours. I think it has to do with psychosocial emotional shit that we aren’t doing right. Hell, I don’t know. I’m as messed up, or more, than you are. I’ve got no room here to give advice. Here, have a {{{{{HUG}}}}} instead. And come visit BJ and me sometime for some friendship and good ole NSA fun. Sometimes it just helps to get your mind off of it a while.
Mia,
It sounds like you are working on the issue. You know what you have to do, and what you will lose if you don’t.
You do deserve to have happiness, just take one step at a time.
All the best
Pete
Mia,
It sounds like you are working on the issue. You know what you have to do, and what you will lose if you don’t.
You do deserve to have happiness, just take one step at a time.
All the best
Pete
A lie is generally born of fear. In my personal relationships I take a very dim view of lying. That said, I also strive to maintain an atmosphere where lying isn’t necessary.
I don’t know how successful one can be if they quit smoking for someone else; for a reason other than sincerely wanting to. Personally, I wouldn’t ask someone to quit smoking anymore than I would ask them to start. (I am a smoker. Quit for 7 years because I wanted to quit and started back because I wanted to.) We can always find an excuse to justify our actions on almost anything.
Sounds to me as though you are in a bit of a slump, a time of depression. You need to do whatever is necessary to pull yourself up. One perceived “failure” makes the next perceived failure more likely.
You are way too intelligent and talented to allow it.
Trueself,
Thanks for the hug. Jack and I really do need to make it out there for a visit. I think the four of us will really get along….in more than one way. 🙂 Now we just have to find a good weekend.
Pete,
Thanks for all your comments. You, and everyone else who comments, are one of the reasons that keep me wanting to write this blog. I need to figure out what one step at a time means for me…so far it isn’t working out so well.
Buffalo,
You are right…fear was a huge motivator for me lying to Jack. I do really want to quit smoking. Towards the end I think I was trying to get caught. I remember feeling like I had no control. I had wanted to quit for several months. Sometimes I’d make it a few days, but I’d always cave in the end. A huge part of me was relieved when Jack found the cigarettes in my bag. Relieved then terrified of the consequences. To Jack’s credit he has been absolutely wonderful in helping me through this now. He’s soooooo worth quitting smoking for. You are right about not being able to quit simply for someone else. I’m not just doing it for him. I need to be happy and I cannot be happy while smoking.
You could start by trying to salvage any scrap of self esteem that you may have once had.
Hey Mia
In times where I really felt like I was letting others down, I learned later that they didn’t always think the same thing (that I was letting them down). I may be wrong, but it sounds like you feel like you let down Jack more than Jack feels you let him down.
Keep hanging in there. You see there are others of us here hoping the best for you.