Archive for October, 2011


Sex always helps.

Jack is always there and willing to be my “sex therapist.” I went out with my moms club ladies for a night out without kids or husbands. I had three drinks, lots of tasty/nasty bar food, and lots of great conversations. It kind of felt like a milestone because I realized as I drove home that I never once felt out of place or had to think about what to say next.

So, when I got home Jack was there looking like he was mad at me. He wouldn’t say why at first. Then he pointed to a stain on the couch. I had left an almost empty can of pop on the end table and Lex got a hold of it and spilled it all over the couch.

I had to make it up to Jack. I mean, he had to spend literally 3 minutes cleaning it up. So I just got on my knees in front of his chair and told him to drop his pants. Yes, dear readers, I still have it in me.

I sucked his cock until he was about to burst. I told him we couldn’t waste it so he bent me over the arm of the chair and fucked me.

It was like old times. Finally…..

Best news of all (to us anyway) I’m ovulating sometime today according to my ovulation predictor tests and my BBT shift (I’ll let you figure out what that is).

Let the fuck fest begin.

Some help.

When people have “breakdowns” others often advise them to “get some help.” I’m about to get some help. Lex is the best thing that has ever happened to me. However, I haven’t been truly happy since before he was born. Chalk it up to sleep deprivation in the beginning. Then lack of sex drive. Then just general disappointment for where I have arrived in my life.

I even had a brief freakout when I found out I was pregnant with Lex. Since it was a complete surprise I actually had to process emotions dealing with being forced to become a mother. Even though it was something I had always wanted to happen.

I am going to see my new psychiatrist in an hour. I suspect she will have me start therapy also. We’ll see. I’ve been on antidepressants since I was 18. I’ve been on the same antidepressant since age 22. It’s not working anymore.

This blog has turned into my whine-fest. Let’s hope I can turn things around soon. Sorry for all the crappy posts.

Nowhere else.

I have nowhere else to vent my loneliness and sadness. Lex and I were supposed to go to a pumpkin patch with my moms club today. They canceled it because it rained all day yesterday and it will be too muddy. Today is a beautiful sunny day, and I’m stuck at home with nothing to do with Lex. It is too muddy to play in the yard, too muddy for the playground, we already went to the mall indoor play area yesterday. Now what? I just wish I had a friend in the same situation as me who I could call to hang out. I don’t know how to make these sorts of friends either. I feel like I am in junior high and still haven’t figured out how to make friends. All I wanted to do was call one of the other ladies in the moms club to see if they wanted to go out for lunch or have a playdate, but I am new to the group. I don’t know if it is acceptable to ask for something like that. I really hate trying to make friends with women.

Life was so much easier when all I thought about was sex and men. That’s what came naturally to me. This stay at home mom crap isn’t easy for me. I wouldn’t choose any other way though because it’s what is best for Lex. Plus, it’s not financially worth it to pay for daycare just so I can have a full time job.

I just feel sorry for myself. I’m coming off the 5th day of my fertility drug so I’m just as emotionally unstable as pregnant women. I think I’m going to go have myself a good cry while Lex naps.

Thanks for letting me type here, wordpress.

Glorious.

Ah, the weather here has been glorious. Maybe a little too warm, but it’s been so nice to be able to play outside with Lex. Yesterday we walked to the local diner for breakfast and then went to the playground. Today we spent some time outside in the yard. The leaves are very vibrant here. More than usual. I guess the conditions have just been perfect.

I’m still very depressed about the news I got last week. I’m still waiting for actual confirmation that I’m not pregnant this month. I’m pretty sure I am not because I keep getting negative pregnancy tests and my basal body temp has fallen the past two days (a huge indicator that an unwanted visitor approaches).

You would think that I would have developed advanced patience since I have a very active toddler. Well, no I haven’t. I’m still very impatient and want things to happen like yesterday!

I’m giving a recital on Saturday with a new group my friends and I put together. Since Lex was born I’ve been doing the minimum amount of performance in order to keep my career alive, but now I’m starting to put things together to make it advance. I’m really excited about this project, but I’m not getting my hopes up. Playing in a group like this is like participating in a 4 way marriage. It isn’t easy, and the failure rate is probably 99 out of 100 or even higher. This isn’t the first time I’ve had a group that I thought had the potential to be a permanent one. And, I’m sure it won’t be the last. I used my “luck” finding my husband. Jack is definitely the catch of a lifetime for me so I don’t expect to find the perfect musical group, too.

I’m working very hard to keep my mood positive. I refuse to let infertility diminish my quality of life. This could be permanent and I don’t want to live the rest of my “youth” sad and worried. I don’t want to wake up at age 45 a bitter old woman of a teenager who never got what she wanted out of life. It’s easier said than done, but I guess I’ll just fake it until I make it. 🙂