And then things came crashing down. We’ve been trying to conceive baby #2 since January. My regular ob/gyn put me on clomid, but after trying that for 3 months she’s sending me off to a different doctor because she can no longer help me. She referred me to another doctor in the same practice as her, but I have to wait two whole months to even see this doctor for an initial appointment.

When I got the news I was devastated. It was the first time I let myself cry over not getting pregnant. I just sobbed like I’ve never sobbed before. Lex was there for the whole thing. I didn’t have the presence of mind to go to a different room. He got this really concerned look on his face and reached his arms out to me. I didn’t quite know what to do so I picked him up. We sat down on the floor and I just cried while he wrapped his little arms around my neck and squeezed. He was crying, too, but not out loud like me…..he just had silent tears. It’s like he could feel my sadness. He’s such a sweetheart and I’ll never forget that amazing moment we shared. I love him so much. I just kept repeating, “you’re enough, you’re enough.” I guess I didn’t want him to start to think that I needed another baby because he wasn’t enough.

I’m still fighting back tears. Part of why I’m so upset is that I feel guilty for even being sad about this. I already have a perfect little boy. A lot of women never get to have their own child. We didn’t even have to try to get pregnant with Lex. That should be enough for me.

We’re going to stop trying for now. I’ll keep my appointment in two months, but I need to make the decision to stop actively trying because that’s the only way I can keep my sanity. This is one thing I can control.

So, this weekend I’m out of town for work and you better believe I’ll be drinking! 🙂